When the Darkness Gets Comfortable

Several months ago, we took a day trip to the Linville Caverns with the boys. They're only minutes from home, but it was my first time going. The boys were excited of course and it was interesting...until the cavern walls started to close in on me, so I tried my best to stay in the larger open areas so that I didn't have a full fledged panic attack right there in the middle of the guided tour. But there is a part of the tour that you can't fully prepare yourself for...the part when they turn off the lanterns and the lighted path. They don't do it without warning. They give you a lovely, cheery {terrifying and horrific} story about two boys getting lost in the cavern long ago, but miraculously making it out alive two days later...and then they plunge you into complete and utter darkness. This is not a darkness that can ever be experienced above ground, it's not the dark of your bedroom in the middle of the night, or a dark basement with only a match for a light...it is the blackest dark, so dark your mind almost can't comprehend it, so dark that you almost forget how to breathe, so dark your eyes will never adjust.

As I stood there struggling to breathe, reaching out blindly trying to grasp ahold of my boys and Brandon and the baby (who slept soundly in the carrier against my chest the whole time), I began to cry. Brandon knew I was panicking and squeezed my shoulders tight, letting me know he was there and I was going to be just fine. But experiencing that darkness was the most terrified that I have ever been in my whole life. It felt as though I had been cast out by the Lord, that hell had swallowed me up. My heart and mind were screaming that I was a child of the light, that I didn't belong there in the darkness! 

I don't think the tour guide had the lights off for more than a minute, just 60 short seconds, but they might as well have been years. I was so relieved to be able to see again, to look on the faces of my children and my husband, to see the path out of the cavern, narrow as it was. We hightailed it out of the caverns after that but that feeling of fear is one that I'll never fully forget and never want to relive again. 

It's that same darkness that Satan seeks to devour us with.

I have written about our struggles with the darkest time in our lives many times. Burying a child is undeniably the most difficult and darkest season in a parent's life, one that scars and aches for a lifetime. 

But what struck me this morning as I was studying in 1 John 1:1-10, was that Brandon and I had been in the dark long before the death of our son.

I can't put my finger on it exactly. I can't tell you specifically when it happened. I don't have a location. But at some point in my life, I gave up my struggle with the darkness. I stepped off the solid foundation that I had built upon the Lord, began my descent into the caverns, and let the darkness swallow me up. I stopped fighting the temptation, I gave into the struggle, and suddenly my life had done a 180 degree turn and it was nearly unrecognizable. Suddenly I was doing things that, as a young woman raised in church my whole life, I unequivocally knew were wrong, were sinful...but I pushed the shame down deep until I couldn't feel it anymore, and I let the feelings of popularity and being a part of the "in" crowd soothe those feelings of guilt and regret. 

Mercifully though, the Lord eventually steered me in Brandon's direction and though the first years of our relationship can only be termed "riotous living," God saw fit to bring us together so that we might one day be where we are right now. 

There was a purpose even in the darkness. A lesson to be learned, one that I can look back upon now and be thankful for. The struggle with the darkness and the temptation to sin, those are not sin - it's the giving over of one's self to the darkness that is sin. 

As a Christian, I will always struggle with sin. John tells us in his letters that to deny that we have sin in our lives is to deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us, to say that we have not sinned is to make Him a liar, and His Word is not in us. BUT if we confess our sins, He is just and faithful to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 

I have to continue to fight against the darkness every day and walk in the light...for myself, for my children, for my marriage, for my Lord...because the moment I stop fighting against the darkness and evil of this world is the moment that comfortable feeling will begin to set in and I'll be descending into the darkness of those caverns once again.

Sticks and Stones...

Sticks and stones may break my bones...but words can never hurt me. I think that anyone in the center of the gossip mill or entangled in a rumor (true or false) would beg to differ here. We have all, at some point in our lives, been hurt by someone's words, or have hurt someone with our words. Hurting someone can be as easy as throwing a stone in the sea. But do we have any idea how deep that stone can go?

James likens it a wildfire, saying the tongue is like a fire, setting the woods ablaze with just a small spark. 

Jesus tells us in Matthew, "That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned." 

Our words, plainly and clearly, have a cause and effect relationship when we speak them. The words the cause, and the effect never fully known by us. We simply can't know how deeply our words affect others, for better or for worse, when we speak. Our words can be the most dangerous weapon in our arsenal or the most healing in our medicine cabinets, they can be the most destructive or constructive tool in our tool belts, tearing down or building up. 

Christians, we have a choice, each and every day, in how to use our words. Do we bless God with our tongues, then turn and curse our brethren? James says that fountain cannot send forth both sweet water and bitter, both salt and fresh, neither can the fig tree bear olive berries or the vine, figs. 

The most important part of my study this morning in James 3:1-12, was that the tongue cannot be tamed by man alone, yet if I ask God for wisdom, James 1:5 says that God will give it liberally. He will help me to think before I speak, be slow to anger, and sin not in my wrath. As I said yesterday, there are no coincidences with the Lord. This study came on the heels of some upsetting news. News that made me want to pick up the phone and set some things and some people straight. But God intervened. He made me step back and I was immediately thankful for His intervention. I could have made a bad situation worse. I could have pushed lost people further from the Lord, and in turned tarnished my own testimony. 

Instead He showed me that in trusting in Him and His will, even when I don't understand it, I protected my children from someone else's wildfire. 

Faith Made Complete & The Nashville Statement

This morning as I was studying in James, the thought occurred to me that there are no coincidences in studying the Bible. What I study has a direct impact on my life and my spiritual life. The scripture today was James 2:14-26 and what leapt out at me as I studied was from verses 15-17, "If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be [ye] warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what [doth it] profit? Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone." 

In my Bible the subtitle for this section of scripture reads Faith Is Shown by Deeds. I know there are many who believe that this portion of James is confusing and contradicts other portions of scripture. But it's really quite simple. Our God is one who requires action by His children. When we accept salvation, we accept it freely, knowing that our sins are washed clean, that when The Father looks upon us He sees The Son and nothing else. Yet when we accept salvation, we also accept the command to go out into the world and spread The Gospel of Jesus Christ. The age old adage, "actions speak louder than words," rings quite true when it comes to Christians living out their faith by good works and deeds. 

Take the Hall of Faith in Hebrews chapter 11 for example...
By faith Abel offered
By faith Noah prepared 
By faith Abraham obeyed
By faith Enoch, Sara, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, Rahab...
Each one accomplishing great and mighty works that glorified God in the name of and by their faith. 

We are not called to sit idle on a pew...yet that is exactly what we are guilty of doing. Sitting idle, preaching the syrupy sweet "gospel" of loving and acceptance. Y'all, we're doing exactly what James is speaking of. We are looking on our destitute brothers and sister, naked in their sins and transgressions, and rather than giving them what is so needful for their bodies, spirits, and minds, we're saying "Jesus loves you just the way you are" and we're sending them on their happy, merry, blinded way. What does that profit? Absolutely nothing. It makes us feel good. It makes us look good. We're progressive and accepting, tolerant and all-loving, to the world...but what are we to the Savior? We're dead in our faith. And we are all smiles and hugs as we pat our neighbors on the backs and usher them through the gates of hell. Where are our backbones, Christians? Where is our salt? Where are our good works and deeds? Our actions?

The Nashville Statement  was released this week. It is a declaration on where Bible-believing Christians stand on topics like homosexuality, same-sex marriage, and transgenderism. That it was even needful for Christians to be reminded of where the Bible stands on sexual immorality, is truly pitiful and a sign of the times, a sign of the falling away of the Church. 

Article 10 reads like this: 
WE AFFIRM that it is sinful to approve of homosexual immorality or transgenderism and that such approval constitutes an essential departure from Christian faithfulness and witness.
WE DENY that the approval of homosexual immorality or transgenderism is a matter of moral indifference about which otherwise faithful Christians should agree to disagree.

In today's political climate, a bold, Biblical statement such as this, is likely to have you stoned on social media, or at the very least, cause you to become a social outcast. But standing firm on the Word of God has never gone unnoticed by the Lord and Savior which we serve. Yet how many of us are unafraid to let our peers know where we stand on such political issues? How many of us are guilty of "agreeing to disagree"? 

And this post isn't specifically about sexual immorality, though it was a prime example. The scripture in James is applicable to all sin. When we witness those we know, most often those we love, living in habitual sin, and we pat them on their back and give them a smile without an inkling of reservation, we are condoning and accepting their sin, and that is a dangerous game to play with an unsaved loved one. 

So what can we do? If we point out their sin, we will likely be accused of bigotry, hate, hypocrisy, among a number of things. So we must immerse ourselves in the Word of God, cover ourselves in prayer, and build up a hedge about ourselves, standing firm on the Word of God, without wavering. Let it be known that you will not compromise your belief in the Bible just to assuage someone else's feelings. And when given an opportunity to help a naked brother or sister, given them a fine meal, a change of clothes, and the Gospel, before sending them on their way.

The Woman in the Mirror

I began studying in the book of James yesterday. And anytime I sit down to study the Word of God, I pray. This morning I prayed that the Lord would help me to rightly divide and discern His Word, that He would open my heart and mind to receive His Word, and that He would help me to become who He'd have me to be, for me to find my identity in Him. Color me blessed by the Holy Ghost when I read my scripture today, James 1:19-27, and His Word leapt off the page and into my heart. 

This particular portion of scripture is concerned with being doers of the Word, not hearers only. How often do we sit on our pews or in our comfy chairs, or like I am at my kitchen table, and study His Word, only to pack it back up with our Bibles? Day in and day out. I am so guilty of this. I am guilty of hearing His Word, and having it speak directly to me, and the moment my circumstances change, or the company changes, or I am interrupted by a wild child, I forget it. It might as well have gone in one ear and out of the other. It didn't transform me one bit. Because to transform me, I have to be a doer, not just a hearer. 

My boys have two totally different personalities and if you've never met them, it is obvious within just a few moments spent with them. They talk differently, they play differently, they dress differently (when I'm not dressing them just alike because it's so stinkin' cute), and they learn differently. Kieran is very much a visual learner, a lot like his Daddy. They find something they're interested in and they'll absorb themselves in it, watching YouTube videos, one right after the other, to learn more about it and how to do it. Devlin and I are much more alike. Tell us about it all day long and it'll go right over our heads. Put us to doing it, and we won't forget it. But in any case, though we are learning differently, we are learning by doing something. Whether its watching a video about baking a cake or dragging a dusty recipe book down from the shelf (I don't like to cook) and making the cake from scratch, we have involved ourselves in the process of learning. 

This is what James is telling us to do. Just hearing the Word isn't enough. We've got to get involved, we've got to do what the Bible says, we've got to live how the Bible says, we've got to worship how the Bible says...or we're deceiving ourselves. 

In verses 21 to 25 we read of the man who beholds his natural self in the mirror. He has been a hearer of the Word and not a doer. The Bible says that he has deceived himself and that when he walks away from the mirror, he forgets what manner of man he was...he forgets who he is, forgets that he is supposed to be a Christian and he should't be in the company he's in...forgets that he is supposed to be a Christian and he shouldn't be in the place he's in...forgets that he is  supposed to be a Christian and he shouldn't be doing the things he's doing. He is supposed to be a Christian but that is not his true identity. He has deceived himself and like the double minded man in verse 8, is unstable in all his ways. 

Verse 21 tells us to lay aside all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness and receive with meekness the engrafted Word, which is able to save our souls, both literally and figuratively. Verse 25 tells us that the man who looks not at himself but at the perfect law of liberty and continues therein, being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this is the man that shall be blessed. 

If we can't look in our mirrors and see Jesus reflected back, then we need to worry less about the grey hairs, blemishes, and wrinkles we see, and more about transforming our hearts and lives to be doers of His Word...or we are going to walk away from the mirror and out into the world and forget who we are...children of God.

I want to be a doer of His Word, so transformed, that when I look upon myself, when my children and my husband look upon me, when the world looks upon me...that its Jesus that is seen, nothing else...and I never want to forget that I am a daughter of the King!

When God Closes A Door...

Today was supposed to be the first day of public school for my boys but instead I filed my official Intent to Operate a Homeschool with the state. Yes, I just posted about how the Lord saved both of my boys this summer, for what I thought was preparation for sending them out into the world. But that's how quickly lives can change. That's how quickly He can shut the door on something we wrongfully discern as the will of God. 

I've asked myself why for nearly a week. Why on earth would He let me go through the trouble of registering them in public school, just to show me something a week before school lets out, that would rock my world and cause me to yank them back out again? I think because I needed to be reminded of who I am and what I am called to do in this life. I think because I needed to be reminded of who the enemy is and who he seeks to devour. I think because I needed to be reminded of just how easy it is to be tempted by the world. 

I do not mean, by any means, that the school which we had planned to send the boys to is the enemy, and it was not something that the school did which caused us to unequivocally change our minds about sending them. Homeschool is not the right decision for every family but the Lord made it plain this past week that it is the right decision for our family. 

But our decision to keep the boys home isn't really what this post is about. It's about when God closes a door. I can choose to look at what happened in the last week as God closing a door. Or I can look at it as God opening a door of escape. I very nearly had myself and my children in a situation that could've been a huge mistake, one that would have forever changed our lives. And my sweet Savior did what He does, He saved me. He opened for me a door of escape, He gave me grace and mercy, and allowed me to save my children from being exposed to the world because I thought I "needed a break". 

I have been humbled this week and I have been shown that my desire to "be like everyone else" is a foolish temptation by the enemy. I was given the gift of salvation so that I didn't have to be like everyone else! My boys were saved this summer so that they don't have to be like everyone else! God has given us this life, has given us a set of circumstances that is unique and unlike everyone else's, and I nearly squandered it because I was weary. I was weary and the devil preyed upon me and made something that had previously terrified me look so enticing that I almost sacrificed the life I've been given just to have a taste of it. 

But God in His imminent wisdom saw fit to give me a door of escape! And so as I scroll through Facebook today and see all the Back to School pictures, I won't be crying over what will not be for me this year, I'll be rejoicing in the goodness and the glory of my Savior.

When the "g" OD of this World Has Blinded Our Minds...

Eleonora_os / Getty Images

2 Corinthians 4:1-10 KJV 
1 Therefore seeing we have this ministry, as we have received mercy, we faint not; 
2 But have renounced the hidden things of dishonesty, not walking in craftiness, nor handling the word of God deceitfully; but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. 
3 But if our gospel be hid, it is hid to them that are lost: 
4 In whom the god of this world hath blinded the minds of them which believe not, lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine unto them. 
5 For we preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord; and ourselves your servants for Jesus' sake. 
6 For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to [give] the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. 
7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. 
8 [We are] troubled on every side, yet not distressed; [we are] perplexed, but not in despair; 
9 Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; 
10 Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.

My Facebook feed is filled with opinions about what has happened in Charlottesville between 2 wicked hate groups. Somehow we are managing to go back in time. We are losing 50 years of progress in this nation and are fast on our way to being right slap dab in the middle of the segregated South once again. And let's be frank, what is happening all around us is not about right and wrong, or black and white. I am sure that any person with a rational mind can agree that what is happening is senseless, that a mob mentality from either side is not a lawful and productive way to settle our differences in a country that was founded upon Godly morals and religious freedom.

But while the world remains in a tizzy over a statue, Iceland touts a near 100% eradication of babies with Down Syndrome. They are a country celebrating the annihilation of babies simply because they are different! Can the world not see the irrationality of protesting a statue representing a war that took place more than 150 years ago, where men, women, & children were enslaved for the color of their skin but they place on the highest pedestal possible, women & countries who murder babies because of an extra chromosome, or because of their gender, or because of their conception, things that, like skin color, are beyond the baby's control?! 

It is absolutely maddening to me that this is the world in which my children have to grow up in. Where everything seems to be upside down and the opposite of what it should be. Why are we protesting statues, that regardless of what they stand for, can literally do no more than hurt someone's feelings, because they are statues, when there is actual, deadly, harm being caused every single day in abortion clinics all over the world? 

But as maddening as it is to me, I already have my answer as to why this is happening. Our Bible tells us plainly that the little "g" god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who do not believe in Christ. The lost of this world can not think for themselves and are simply puppets on Satan's string. And for us believers the result is maddening. Its as though the sky is blue and the extremists on either side of the political spectrum are shouting that it's red on one side and green on the other. 

So what can we do about it?

2 Corinthians goes on to say that we have this treasure in earthen vessels...this power of God...Paul is speaking of the indwelling of the Holy Ghost within the Christians. We are but earthen vessels yet we have this treasure, this power within us. So what must we do with it? As God commanded the light to shine out of the darkness, He has shined in our hearts and we must give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. Though we are troubled on every side political side, we must not be distressed. Though we are perplexed at the behavior of this world, we cannot be in despair. Though we are persecuted for our conservative, Christian beliefs, and feel cast down, we are not forsaken! We are not destroyed! We must always remember what was done for us at Calvary so that the life of Jesus might be made manifest in our bodies. 

And there is one more important thing that we must keep in the forefront of our minds, Paul says in the 5th verse that we preach not ourselves but Christ Jesus the Lord. We have to take ourselves out of the equation. It doesn't matter what I think I know or how I feel if it isn't biblical. If it doesn't line up with the glorious Gospel of Jesus Christ, then it has no place in our lives or in our rhetoric, personal, political, or otherwise. 

As Paul says, we have been given this ministry because we have received mercy...think about where we would be without this mercy...we would be blinded by the god of this world...we'd be shouting that girls are boys and boys are girls, and women have the right to choose to kill their unborn children, and that suddenly inanimate statues are so offensive we cannot live with them in our state capitols anymore...we'd be shouting that white people are supreme and all others must die, we'd be shouting that the color of a person's skin should dictate whether they live like animals or live like kings, and we'd be shouting it, perversely, in the name of God.

These are the kind of people that live without the mercy, and light, and treasure, and power of the love of Jesus Christ in their lives. They have been blinded so utterly and completely that they cannot see the insanity that their lives have become. And those who are not rooted securely in their faith in Jesus will be seduced by this insanity...just as Jesus speaks about the Parable of the Sower in Mark chapter 4...

14 The sower soweth the word. 
15 And these are they by the way side, where the word is sown; but when they have heard, Satan cometh immediately, and taketh away the word that was sown in their hearts. 
16 And these are they likewise which are sown on stony ground; who, when they have heard the word, immediately receive it with gladness; 
17 And have no root in themselves, and so endure but for a time: afterward, when affliction or persecution ariseth for the word's sake, immediately they are offended. 
18 And these are they which are sown among thorns; such as hear the word, 
19 And the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word, and it becometh unfruitful.

We must renounce the hidden things of dishonesty, not walking in crafitness (think the news media here), nor handling the word of God deceitfully (think prosperity preaching here, false prophecy, KKK rhetoric)...we must focus on the things Paul speaks of in verse 18...the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.

And we have to pray for our country and our President, for the lost of this world, and for Jesus to come quickly for His children.

Momma's Work Is Never Done

C. S. Lewis once said something like this, "Children are not a distraction from the work, they are the most important work." I go back to this as a constant reminder that my housework (cooking, cleaning, laundry), though important, is not my calling, even as a homemaker/housewife/stay-at-home-Momma. 

My children are my calling. 

Raising them in the admonition of the Lord, raising them to be servants of Jesus Christ, raising them to be the kind of Christian that the world has not compromised...this is my calling. 

And as a part of my calling, arguably the most important part of my calling as a Momma, even more important that making sure they eat their vegetables and wash behind their ears, is in leading them to accept Christ as their personal Savior. Not lead them in an empty prayer or a false profession, but lead them by my actions, my  words, my service, my worship, my prayers, my love. 

My children are very young, (6.5, 5, and 1 in just a few days), and some might ask me why their salvation at such an early age is so important. And I would say this, because the foundation must first be laid. Their lives have to be built upon Christ as the solid rock, otherwise they'll sink in the sand that the world will do its utmost to bury them in. 

And to be perfectly honest, I can think of no greater fear than to know one's child isn't saved. To raise a child to the age of accountability (which I believe is personal and different for every child), without having first laid the foundation for them to know and accept Jesus, is terrifying to me. How could I as a mother, raise my children and then send them out in the world each and every day without the protection, mercy, and grace of a Savior? In my mind that is tantamount to neglect, child abuse, even hatred. Because to raise my children without the knowledge and love of Jesus Christ is to raise them to reject Him and to condemn them to an eternity in hell. 

We recently made the decision to send our boys to public school in the fall. This came after a year of successful but lacking homeschooling and a whole lot of prayer. But after meeting some of the local parents and children through baseball this past spring, the Lord helped to settle in our hearts that our small elementary school, the smallest in the county in fact, would treat our boys well and love them like their own. So I set about gathering what was needed to get them registered for school and the Lord moved in and did the rest.

What does that mean exactly? Well, He began a work in the hearts of my boys and each of them accepted Christ as their Savior this summer, Devlin in June (his story is in the previous post) and Kieran just a few nights ago. He came to us at bedtime, with a big ole grin on his face, and told us that he was ready to pray and ask God to save him! This was after a very heartfelt talk the day before when he had climbed up in my lap in tears and told me that he believed with all his heart that Jesus was real and that He had died for him on cross, but that he wasn't ready to get saved yet. He was so matter of fact about it when he came to us that we knew that the Lord had settled it in his heart that he needed to be saved. It was so unlike Devlin's experience. So unique to Kieran and his personality. It was perfect and sweet and thrilling to hear him pray and ask God to come into his heart and save him!

My Savior and Comforter made sure that before my boys went out from under Momma's wings, that they were wrapped firmly and securely in the protection of The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost! 

Does that mean that they'll go through this life "bullet-proof" so to speak? Of course not. But it does mean that they each have the knowledge and the love of Jesus Christ to guide them through this world, to remain separate and on the straight and narrow path. 

Does this mean that my job as Momma is done, that my calling is fulfilled? Of course not. Not only do I still have a baby that must come to accept Christ as her Savior some day, but I now have two newborn Christians to nourish with The Word. It is safe to say that my job, my calling, will never be fulfilled, and I am as grateful for that as I am that the Lord saved my boys this summer, because it will keep me on my knees in prayer and in His Word learning more about my Savior. 

Something Has Happened

Something has happened. Something happened yesterday that has forever changed the face and dynamic of our family. I think that normally a statement like this precedes tragic news but our family's news is in fact the very opposite of tragic, it is triumphant.

Truth be told, the events of yesterday were set in motion before the dawn of time, before man was ever God-breathed into life. God the Father saw the events of yesterday unfolding before we could even fathom because they were His will and His plan for our lives. Every moment since my birth, since Brandon's birth, since the birth of our children, every decision that was made for us or by us, put us on the path that led us to yesterday. Even when we made decisions that took us out of the will of God, because Brandon and I were His, Christ took us gently by the hands and led us back...because He knew what a momentous day yesterday would be. Every church service, every messaged preached, every song sung or bible verse learned, every conversation that ever took place within our family, was leading up to the event that took place yesterday. And more than that, every moment that ever took place in the lives of the people in my family's lives were leading up to yesterday. When you sit back and look at how one event can be so affected and so impacted by so many different people and the choices, both good and bad, that they make, you cannot help but be awestruck at how the hand of God moves in and out of our lives. 

Yesterday started just like any other Tuesday in our house. Brandon had left for work in the wee hours of the morning, long before the sun rose. Kieran woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, bounding into my bed, where Reaghan and I were still sleeping, somewhat peacefully. He lay there contemplating life's serious questions, like whether the pterodactyl or the pteranodon would win in a prehistoric battle, as he always did, and waited for the rest of the house to rise. It wasn't long before the imaginary battle in Kieran's mind spilled over into reality, and his play fighting dinosaur figurines had Reaghan and me awake for the day. While the two of them sat and played in the living room, I crept into the boys' bedroom to check on Devlin. He is after my own heart and loves to sleep in as much as I do. I checked to make sure he was still breathing and covered up and warm, and wistfully wished I could crawl in next to him and cuddle. But I crept back out and went to the kitchen to get breakfast started. By the time breakfast was ready, Devlin had made his way into the living room to play with his brother and sister. While they ate, I went about my morning housework until it was time to nurse the baby and get her down for her first nap of the day.

Such was the normal routine for our days and it was nothing but ordinary until the afternoon.

After lunch and the baby's second nap of the day, I am usually busy about my afternoon housework and starting supper. I was in the laundry room when the boys came in and Devlin had a serious look on his face. 

"Momma," he said. "I don't want to be bad anymore. I don't want to do bad things anymore. I hear God calling my name."

This revelation didn't come altogether out of nowhere. For many months he had been asking serious questions about Jesus and why He'd had to die on the cross. Having just turned 5, we'd kept salvation and Calvary in the simplest terms we could without losing the significance of what they meant. So when he told me this, I knew that he understood that the bad things he was talking about were his sins, and that he didn't want to sin anymore. And that he understood that that feeling and desire to not want to do bad things was the Holy Ghost beckoning him to get saved, calling his name. I asked him if he knew what he needed to do so that he wouldn't want to do bad things anymore. He told me that he did, he knew he needed to get saved because God was calling his name. 

By this time we had slowly migrated to the boys' bedroom and we were sitting on Kieran's bed while he listened intently to our conversation. I asked him then if he knew what he needed to do. 

He climbed up in my lap and said, "I need to pray Momma. Can I pray now?"

I glanced quickly at the time, 3:19pm. I knew that his Daddy would be home soon. I knew that he wouldn't want to miss what was about to happen. But I knew that I couldn't make him wait, I couldn't squelch the work that the Holy Ghost was doing in his heart at that very moment. As the clock rolled over to 3:20pm, I nodded and he began to pray.

"Dear God, we come to you tonight to ask you to save me and to pray that you would save my brother too one day. In Jesus sweet name I do pray, Amen."

And just like that, with one sweet solitary prayer, our family as we had known it, was forever and eternally changed. 

Tears were flowing down my cheeks and his when he looked up at me and said, "I'm different Momma. I'm saved!"

Never have I ever felt the love of Jesus so implicitly and absolutely. I knew He loved me when He saved me, but to be there, to be present in the moment when my son was saved, to know that He had suffered on Calvary to save my son, was the most magnificent moment in my life. It was the moment when the most important work in my life, for Devlin's life, was fulfilled. 

We immediately called Brandon at work and then Nanna and Poppa and we spent the rest of the evening basking in the glow of our Savior's love. 

Today a new work in my life, for Devlin's life, begins. He is now a new Christian, an infant in Salvation, and I must continue to help him along the righteous path. He has made the most important decision, and now he must begin to grow in his relationship with Christ. And for him to do so, I must continue to grow in mine. I must pray everyday that I be a stepping stone in his Christian life, rather than a stumbling block. And I will spend every day thanking Him for this blessing in our family, and praying for the days when Kieran and Reaghan will accept Him as their Savior as well. 

Mark 10:14b

Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.

Romans 10:13

For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.

The Names of God: Jehovah-Roah

Jehovah-Roah: The LORD Our Shepherd

Psalm 23:1

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

John 10:11

I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.

Hebrews 13:20, 21

Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, Make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is wellpleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Last night I sat, nursing my daughter, and watched men carry my Papaw into his home on a stretcher so that he might spend his last days resting comfortably, not surrounded by strangers and beeping machines, wires, and tubes. But in the home he built with his own two hands, the home in which his children grew up in, his grandchildren played in, and his wife passed gently through the Gates of Heaven in. Home is where he most wants to be. Home is the one place in this world that he feels safest in. He is surrounded by his books, his pictures of Mamaw, his family. But it is also the one place that I believe he feels closest to the Lord in. The walls of that home have seen much over the last 50 years and the Lord has met him there in times of both trouble and joy, in times of sorrow and praise. Papaw has met the Lord there in days spent pouring over His Word, in nights spent in prayer over his family, in theological debates with friends. I know He has met him there because He has met me there a time or two as well.  

And just like the sheep that we are, when in times of trouble, we look for, we run to our Shepherd. And just as He left the ninety and nine to seek out that one little lost lamb, I believe Jehovah-Roah is there by that bedside to gently guide my Papaw to his heavenly and eternal home.

The end for my Papaw is near and for those of us that he will leave behind, the coming days and months are going to be extremely difficult. He is not just our father or our grandfather, he is a friend, a mentor, a guiding light and a solid foundation. He is a testament of the Lord's goodness and grace. He is hard, he is stubborn, he is grouchy, but he knows just what to say in times of trouble, he knows how to make you laugh, and though his "I love you"s are few and far between, he knows just when you needed to hear them most. 

Yes, Jehovah-Roah is there with my Papaw this morning, but He is also here with me as I try to explain to my children what is soon coming. He is at the bedside of the baby who at only a month old has already endured pain and suffering the likes of which many of us will never see and yet is fighting to survive. He is with her parents and her siblings as they struggle through exhaustion, worry, wavering faith. He is with the Christian who has lost his way and is fighting the grips of addiction. He is seeking out the lost girl standing on the street corner doing the unthinkable just to live another day. He is with the child who is hiding in the corner while his daddy lays hands on his momma. He is with the tired saint who is sick of the sin and corruption in this world and is longing for a foreign land. He has given the sacrifice for His sheep that only He can give so that we may leave wild thorns of the wilderness behind and be welcomed into the fold.

Jehovah-Roah, Our Shepherd, He maketh us to lie down in green pastures, beside still waters so that He may restore our souls and lead us down paths of righteousness. He is there to guide His sheep safely through the valley of the shadow of death, be it a death of the flesh or a spiritual death, His rod and His staff there to guide us, comfort us. He preparest a table before us, while we are yet here in the presence of our enemies, so that we may be anointed, our cups running over, goodness and mercy following all the days of our lives, dwelling in the House of Jehovah-Roah forever. 

The LORD is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

The Names of God: Jehovah-Maccaddeshcem

The LORD Our Sanctifier

Exodus 31:13 
Speak thou also unto the children of Israel, saying, Verily my sabbaths ye shall keep: for it is a sign between me and you throughout your generations; that ye may know that I am the LORD that doth sanctify you.

1 Thessalonians 5:23 
And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

The biblical means of sanctification is not an eradication of man's sin nature but rather God's setting a man apart for some reason. 

He sets us apart when we accept Christ as our Lord & Savior. This is not a setting apart like the 1% of the population that lives outlandishly with every material thing they could ever want or ever need at their fingertips. This is not a setting apart like a culling, where the sick & infected are removed & quarantined them to protect the rest of the population. No, the setting apart is not an isolation in either extreme. Rather its inclusion with a greater purpose, a calling, to glorify & honor God in every single situation & circumstance in your life...whatever, no matter what it may be. 

Sanctification by Jehovah-Maccaddeshcem comes in many forms, sometimes painful, sometimes joyful, always necessary. For us, sanctification by the Lord has looked like this: we lost our home to a fire, a month later we miscarried our first baby, 18 months of infertility followed. Infertility was ended by the joyful news of our second pregnancy, at 5 months pregnant we learned our son no longer had a heartbeat, I labored & delivered him & we laid him to rest. A third pregnancy followed, it included 20 weeks of bedrest, medication, endless tests, a failed induction & finally a c-section to welcome our son. A tumultuous year began as did a fourth pregnancy, a perfect pregnancy which resulted in another son. It also resulted in the disowning of my husband by his parents because of my husband's decision that we were lacking something in our lives that alcohol & a false knowledge of God could never fill, God Himself. One might think that once we made the decision to put God first in our lives that the sanctification process was complete. But that is wholly untrue. The next half of our story includes 8 months of unemployment, food stamps, financial ruin, 2 more miscarriages, an answer to the call of my husband to preach the Gospel, the pastoring & resigning of our first church, the birth & NICU stay of our first daughter, & the complete humbling of ourselves to God's will & purpose. 

What does any of that have to do with being wholly sanctified by God? It sounds like a pity party full of rotten & miserable circumstances with a few sunny times thrown in just to keep us off the ledge. But it is anything but that. It was opportunity after opportunity after opportunity to glorify & honor God. Sometimes we did & it made bearing the burden of that situation all the easier to bear, it made helping others who were in the midst of what we had come through a blessing & a privilege. Sometimes we didn't & we bore the hurt, the anger, & the bitterness of our situation. But God in His infinite mercy & grace, chipped away at those callouses on our hearts & He gave us a purpose. He gave us Himself. 

The biblical means of sanctification is not an eradication of man's sin nature but rather God's setting a man apart for some reason. It is a process. One that begins immediately upon Salvation & does not end until I kneel at His feet, where I pray that He lifts me up & proclaims "Well done my child". 

He has called us out to live out from amongst the world while still walking within it. It's hard. It's messy. It's painful. But it's also beautiful, joyful, & overwhelmingly good in so many ways. 

Sanctification means Living Him, Loving Him, Longing for Him, in every opportunity given, good & bad, painful & pleasant. 

The Names of God: Jehovah-Shammah

Jehovah-Shammah: The LORD Is There

This name of God emphasizes His presence. 

Ezekiel 48:35b: ...and the name of the city from that day shall be, The LORD is there.

Exodus 3:12a: And he said, Certainly I will be with thee; and this shall be a token unto thee, that I have sent thee:

Matthew 28:20b: ...and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.

After a history of miscarriages, burying our stillborn son, and battling periods of infertility, my pregnancy with Reaghan was like a cool breeze on a sunny day. It was perfect. She was perfect. But still, I worried. Once that seed of doubt in your body's ability to carry a baby to term has been planted, it is hard to uproot. The devil tends to it, making it flourish with every twinge your body makes, at every doctor appointment where it takes a split second longer than it did the last time to find a heartbeat. He is the Master of Lies in the Garden of Doubt and Deceit. 

Yet, despite the odds that the devil made sure to let me know were stacked against me, I carried a healthy baby to term and had a healthy pregnancy. My water breaking in the middle of the night 10 days before my scheduled c-section was a fun and exciting surprise. We hurried to the hospital and Reaghan Delainey-James was born less than 7 hours later, tiny but oh so perfect. We were in love and praising our Savior for His mercy and grace. 

But our time in the sun was quickly overshadowed. 

She was tiny. Tinier than we'd expected at just 5lbs 1oz and seemed to be having trouble stabilizing her blood sugar on her own. She was working hard and nursing like a champion but was burning off all her energy as soon as she was taking it in. They were sticking her heel and checking her blood sugar at every feeding. She was pitiful and I felt like they were using her for a pin cushion. 

Then Brandon had to leave with my boys. He took them home, trying to keep as much normal in their little lives as he could with so much new going on. He was coming back first thing in the morning with the boys. We didn't plan on being there more than 2 nights anyway. It was a short inconvenience to deal with before we could all be together at home.

Then my Momma had to leave. She'd been up since I'd called her to come sit with the boys when my water broke and excitement was giving way to exhaustion. 

But it was fine. I had my baby and everything was going to be just fine. This was all just temporary.

But then the 24 hour mark came and Reaghan's blood sugar was still low and there I was alone as my brand new baby was taken from me and admitted to the NICU. I didn't even have time to call Brandon before they took her from me. I was nearly hysterical by the time I did get a hold of him and as I sat there alone, watching the nurses blow one tiny vein out after another trying to put an IV in her little hands and then her feet, and finally getting it placed in her scalp, the devil took me right over the edge into full blown hysteria. 

God had abandoned me right there on the C wing of the neo-natal intensive care unit. He had played the cruelest of tricks on me. He had taken me through 37 weeks of a perfect pregnancy, had given me the most beautiful daughter, had let me hold her, nurse her, kiss her, and now He was going to take her from me. 

The devil is most powerful in the art of persuasion. 

The next 5 days blurred one into another. I hadn't stepped outside the walls of the hospital since I had walked in to give birth. There were no windows in the NICU, just curtains separating the cribs from each other. Sleep was not allowed in the NICU and if it hadn't been from sheer exhaustion it would have been impossible to attain anyway. The constant beeping of the machines, the bright lights, the nurses calling back and forth to each other, but the worst was the silence of the babies. The NICU was at full capacity the entire length of our stay, 40+ babies fighting to survive. Some winning. Some losing. And with the exception of one little baby boy, there was no crying. It was haunting and terrifying. 

The only breaks I took were the mandatory hour in the morning and again in the evening when I would grab a bite to eat, for the doctors and nurses to do their rounds, and a scant hour or two for sleep if my Momma was there to relieve me. The thoughts of leaving Reaghan alone were suffocating. As if, if I left her alone, she wouldn't be there when I returned. Twice already I had left during a mandatory break only to return to her with more wires and more lights because once her blood sugar had stabilized and she was able to control it, her bilirubin shot sky high and entered dangerous levels. Our last night there, she was under triple photo-therapy and I could not hold her at all, not even to nurse her. It was the longest night yet that I'd had to endure.

I wish that I could say that these 5 days were spent spiritually trusting in God and leaving it all in His hands but I can't. I was hurt. I was angry. I felt completely and utterly alone. I was judgmental. I lashed out. And then I was taught a lesson. And it was a most difficult one to learn. But it was swift and it brought me closer to the Lord than I'd been in days.

It was a lesson that taught me just how present Jehovah-Shammah had truly been, not just during this ordeal, not just during my pregnancy, but in the last 5 years of our lives. He had set things in motion long before so that we would be protected in His love, mercy, and grace. Had Brandon and I continued on living the lives we had been after we got married, our daughter would not just have been battling low blood sugar and high bilirubin levels, but fighting to breathe, fighting to live, she may have been fighting a battle that she couldn't win all because of choices that I as her Momma had made, just as so many of the other babies laying in the very same NICU were. 

I look back now on that time spent in the NICU and realize how paltry that 5 days seems. So many of those babies had been there for weeks and for months, going days without a single visitor, only being held to be changed or to be fed. Yet the Lord was ever present there. He was there in the seasoned nurses who held me while I cried, who treated my baby as if she were their own. He was there in the volunteers who came in just to hold those tiny babies who had truly been abandoned so that they'd not starve for tenderness and human connection. His love was there, woven into the handmade blankets, hats, and booties given to the babies there in the NICU, some of whom would never leave. 

Yes, Jehovah-Shammah was there in the C wing of the NICU, of that I am sure.  Just as He is there in all the other times in our lives when we can feel Him the least.

The Names of God: Jehovah-Tiskenu

Jehovah-Tiskenu: The LORD Our Righteousness

Jeremiah 23:6 KJV

In his days Judah shall be saved, and Israel shall dwell safely: and this is his name whereby he shall be called, THE LORD OUR RIGHTEOUSNESS.

After 18 months of silence on this blog I finally feel at liberty to write again. The last 18 months have been a mixture of both wonder and wretchedness. We have felt as though we were in a trial by fire and at times we were unsure of whether we would perish or persevere. 

I have questioned God many, many times in course of the last year and a half. There were times when I could not for the life of me understand why we were dealing with the issues that we were. And others times I was immensely grateful and thankful that He had chosen to put us exactly where we were at that time. 

However, regardless of our circumstances over the last year or the circumstances that we face in the future, one thing above all has been made clear, Jehovah-Tiskenu will stand above all. He is The LORD Our Righteousness and even when everything else in our lives seems steeped in sin and despair, He is always there, guiding, shining a light in the darkness. He is the Righteousness that will always prevail. 

I feel as though I am once more dwelling safely in Jehovah-Tiskenu and I am overwhelmed with joy and excitement to be writing for His Glory and His Honor once again!