Shining Through The Hurt

Isaiah 51:11 KJV

11 Therefore the redeemed of the Lord shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy shall be upon their head: they shall obtain gladness and joy; and sorrow and mourning shall flee away.

Isaiah 60:19-20 KJV
19 The sun shall be no more thy light by day; neither for brightness shall the moon give light unto thee: but the Lord shall be unto thee an everlasting light, and thy God thy glory.
20 Thy sun shall no more go down; neither shall thy moon withdraw itself: for the Lord shall be thine everlasting light, and the days of thy mourning shall be ended.

We have all been touched by death in some form or fashion.  And we have all reacted to that death in our own way.  Some are relieved, some un-phased, some are devastated, some sink into depression, some turn to God, many more turn from Him.  The older we get, the more death we encounter.  At 27 years old I have laid to rest an infant son, my darling Granpaw Deyton and most recently my beautiful Mamaw Westall.  At each of their deaths I was at a different stage in my life and reacted distinctively different.

On November 30th, 2009, you'd have been hard-pressed to have found a happier, more excited expectant mother.  After a miscarriage and 18 excruciating months of disappointment, I was finally going to be a Momma.  I was halfway through my pregnancy, had suffered very little morning sickness, no swelling, no complications whatsoever. Brandon and I sat in the waiting room of the doctor's office with our family anxiously awaiting our anatomy scan.  We were finding out the gender of our precious baby and I was on pins and needles.  My name was called and we all crowded into the small room, grins big, cameras in hand.  We were overwhelmingly unprepared for what followed.  It was as though I was in a fog, an utter daze.  My world had crashed down around me. Seven little words spoken softly by the doctor, screaming in my head. 

I'm so sorry. Your baby is dead.

It was a nightmare.  It had to be.  God couldn't be so cruel.  He couldn't give me my heart's one truest desire and then rip it so coldly, callously from me.  A loving God would never do such a thing.  The anger and despair welled up inside of me.  I turned from God so completely.  In my mind He had deserted me.  My heart, my life, was in a million pieces all around me and I hadn't the faintest clue how to begin picking up the pieces. The darkest time in my life followed.  When I should've been at the feet of my Lord and Savior, I was drowning my pain in a bottle.  When I should've been crying out for help, for understanding, for love and comfort, I was drinking myself into oblivion.  I couldn't see that the one thing I needed most was exactly what I was pushing away.

In January 2011, I was 9 months pregnant, and happier than I had been in a year.  The anger with God was fading but the hurt and the fear still ran deep.  It had been a long, hard, and at times scary, pregnancy.  At 19 weeks I had been put out on bedrest for my safety and the baby's.  I lived like a hermit.  The only place I went was my doctor's office and my parent's.  I went from my couch to theirs. But I was pregnant.  I was happy.  I was excited.  And I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It came just two weeks before I was scheduled for an induction. 

I was laying on the couch when my Momma walked through the door that day.  She sat down across the room and she quietly told me that my Grandpaw had passed away that morning.  He had been sick, we knew it was coming soon, but I still hadn't expected it.  I was filled instantly with remorse and regret and guilt.  I should have spent more time with him.  I should have listened more, loved more, learned more from him.  Sadness overwhelmed me.  He would never hold his great-grandson.  Never tell Kieran the same stories he'd told me.  Never walk through in the woods or take him for rides on the four-wheeler.  Never sing old George Jones songs to him.  I stood by his graveside and wept with sorrow for all the things that would never happen.  I should've been on my knees crying out to God and thanking Him for welcoming my Granpaw home, for ending his pain and suffering.  I should've been praying for comfort for my Granmaw, my uncles and my Daddy and thanking Him for all the love my Granpaw had given me. But I wasn't.  I was thinking only of myself.

The common thread in my reactions in losing my Lachlan and my Granpaw was that I was living out of the will of God.  My relationship with Him was in tatters.  I was further from Him than I had ever been and because of that I did not handle the loss the way I could have.  I did not shine through the hurt and be an example to those around me who did not know the Lord Jesus Christ as their Savior.  I had pushed His light and His glory away and because of that I was in darkness, blinded by mourning.

This past March my Mamaw went to be with Jesus.  She had been battling with dementia that had quickly gotten progressively worse and a bout with pnuemonia left her bedridden.  From February to March we saw the disease consume her.  She did not know my Papaw or her children, was not able to move or eat on her own, could barely talk, and in the last days, could not even wake up.  In the end her family was with her at home.  And the grace that God gave me is undeniable.  I was able to let go and to say goodbye, knowing that Jesus was holding her in His arms, knowing that her mind and body no longer held her prisoner.  I was able to thank the Lord for the time he had given me and my boys with her, I was able to thank Him for the memories I'll cherish in my heart. Christ brought me out of the darkness that I had slipped into so easily before.  He became my everlasting light and my joy and glory. I am able to look forward to that glorious day when I'll reunite with her and we'll worship at the feet of our Lord together. The days of my mourning have ended and fled from me. 

I do not always know the will of God and what it is for my life but I pray each and every day that He would lead, guide and direct my every step.  I feel Him in my life like I never have before.  

It has taken 4 years to be able to talk about Lachlan with a feeling of peace in my heart. The anger and hurt are gone.  I no longer feel like God was being cruel and callous in taking Lachlan to be with Him.  In fact I know that He was being merciful.  Lachlan would've been a very sick baby if he'd been born here instead of in heaven.  He would never have been able to run and play and laugh with his brothers.  In heaven he doesn't suffer from blindness, deafness, or mental handicaps.  He is pure and perfect in the sight of God.  And though I love him with every fiber of my being he is more loved in the arms of my sweet Jesus than I can even fathom. 

Through His light I see my Granpaw in my Daddy. I've never known a more hardworking man than my Granpaw was.  From daylight to dark, the man never slowed down, not even long enough for a decent visit. He'd make the 45 minute trip to our house, stay 30 minutes, and was ready to head home again.  But he came with candy in his pocket and left with youngins clinging to his pants legs.  My Daddy is so much like my Granpaw it's uncanny.  Daddy has literally worked until his knees have given out and when he comes for a visit, they're predictably short. And my Daddy is for my boys what my Granpaw was for me.  He tells them stories and sings them songs, they go for walks in the woods, and for rides on Granpaw's old four-wheeler.  My boys are my Daddy's shadow, just like I was my Granpaw's.  It's like looking back in time.  

My Momma is becoming more like my Mamaw every day, right down to the embroidery in her lap and the made from scratch cake on the kitchen table.  There was never anything I couldn't ask my Mamaw for that she wouldn't do her best to do for me, whether it was to make my favorite dessert, to dance to Elvis records or hem my wedding dress.  When I walked through the doors of her house I knew I was going to be greeted with a hug, a kiss, and a smile.  And when I left I got the same and she never failed to tell me that I was beautiful and that Jesus loved me.  My Momma is that for my boys.  She does for them when I can't.  My Momma would move mountains to make a way for my boys. 

My boys will not lack the love of my Granpaw or my Mamaw because it lives on in my parents.  And I am comforted in knowing that Lachlan is being showered with their love in heaven as the three of them walk on golden streets with my Savior.

I'm Free

(Author Unknown)

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free,

I'm following the path God laid for me.

I took his hand when I heard his call,

I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,

To laugh, to love, to work, to play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way,

I've found that peace at the close of the day.

If my parting has left a void,

Then fill it with remembered joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,

Ah yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow,

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My Life's been full, I savoured much,

Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch,

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,

Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your heart and share with me,

God wanted me now, He set me free.