Forever

Job 1:21 KJV

And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.

I've struggled these last 2 months. My heart is weary. My body is tired. The days have become a battle that I grow exhausted of fighting. Today was a day that could have broken me.

Today is a day that should have been one of the most magical in my life. Today is Lachlan's due date. Today we should have celebrated his 5th birthday. He should have had 4 brothers and sisters running around him, helping him to blow out birthday candles, fighting over whose present he unwrapped first, while his Daddy wrangled them all, tossing them into the air, catching them as they squealed in delight. I should've been glowing, rubbing my belly, round with baby number 6, taking pictures, making memories. There are so many should've beens, could've beens, would've beens that today held.  

Sometimes I feel like the unfairness of it all will crush me, that I'll just collapse one day and not be able to stand back up. Sometimes I wonder if my heart will ever stop hurting, if my arms will ever feel full. Sometimes when I least expect it, the devil worms his evil way in and snatches my precious peace. I forget that, truly I'd never wish them to be here on this wretched earth with me, not when I know what they'd be leaving behind. I forget that He has a purpose and a plan for every life I've carried in my womb, whether it was 5 weeks, 20 weeks or 39 weeks.

But then sometimes, my Jesus shows up in the most unexpected way and my doubts and fears and regrets and the unfairness of it all is suddenly whisked away. 

Today my Jesus showed up in the love of a friend, a friend who understands just exactly what it means to long for a baby for years, and then to have that desire granted, but only for a little while. My sweet and precious friend had this necklace made for me. The 6 stones represent the months my babies were due and the birthstones of my Lachlan, Kieran, and Devlin. And she reminded me that, whether they are earthbound or heavenly, my babies are mine, forever. Forever. My arms may not be as full as they could've been here in this life, but my arms and my heart will be full and overflowing forever in eternity with my Jesus and my babies.

Yes He gave. Yes He took away. But He has laid up for me treasures in heaven that will be mine forever. Blessed be the name of the Lord.