When The Waiting Is Over

When the waiting is over the tiniest drop of hope that was in the deepest part of your heart disappears and disappointment takes its place. 

You would think after 3 weeks of waiting, that when I woke up to cramping and bleeding last Saturday morning, that I would be prepared for it. You would think I had been expecting it, would have been resigned to it, would have been relieved by it because at least that would mean the waiting was over. But you'd be wrong. 

I had built up this tiny drop of hope in the deepest part of my heart until it wasn't really so tiny anymore. I had nearly convinced myself that I was carrying a miracle baby, that the doctors and science were wrong this time, that the Lord wouldn't do this to me again. He couldn't. Could He? But He did. And there I found myself in a crumpled heap in the corner of the shower, mourning another lost baby, the crushing weight of disappointment taking my breath. 

Two-thirds. 66.666%. That is how many of my children are now in Heaven. I've become a pitiful statistic with no explanation and no understanding. I absolutely cannot fathom why the Lord saw fit to take yet another baby from my womb, leaving me empty, broken. 

There's no anger, no hatred, no bitterness in my heart towards my Savior. Only sadness and confusion, hurt. I was just so unprepared for this outcome. I read about Hannah and Samuel over and over again. I cried out, I pleaded, I begged. And I simply knew that my petition had been heard and would be answered with life. Instead the answer was death. 

And now, everyday I have to explain to my boys why there isn't a baby in Mommy's belly anymore. And if I thought that it was the waiting that was a cruel pain, well I was wrong. The cruelest pain is trying to answers their "why"s when I have no idea how. 

But the Lord works in mysterious ways, it's true. I opened the mail last Saturday evening to find a beautiful card from my Aunt Linda that read:

Life is always full of open and closed doors...

God knows what you are going through and will always be with you.

We don't always understand what God is doing in our lives,

but He has a purpose for it,

we just have to trust Him and He will get us through it.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

"The Lord is gracious, and full of compassion" Psalms 145:8

The card was postmarked 2 days before I woke up to the harsh reality of the miscarriage I had denied for so long. 

This week has been long and it has been hard. But I have kept busy and I've kept that scripture in my heart. The Lord knew just what I needed and He is gracious and He is full of compassion. I know this because even though they're little, my boys understand God's love. They tell me it's ok to cry and that they didn't want Jesus to take their baby back to Heaven either, but that their sister has a Father and His name is God. And that is a balm for my soul, knowing that they are learning, that their hearts are being prepared for Him.

I may never understand God's purpose but I have to trust that it is what is best and right for our family, that it will glorify and honor Him, and that one day my family will be reunited. So the disappointment has to go. Because truly, how can I be so disappointed and hurt when I know who is rocking my babies to sleep tonight, the Great I AM is. How can I be so disappointed when the angels are singing sweet lullabies to my tiny babies? How can I be so disappointed when my babies were loved more in their brief time inside my womb than some people can even fathom. It is the Creator of the universe who kisses their rosy cheeks each day and ruffles their blonde curls. 

I cannot be disappointed for He is gracious and full of compassion.