Advent & Anger

John 11:25-26 KJV

25 Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:

26 And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?

What is Advent? Advent is simply the intentional preparation of one's heart for the coming of Christ as a babe in Bethlehem. It is the Christmas season when we actively anticipate His promised return. Advent is a true longing for our Savior. 

But in the last several weeks I have been struggling. With everything it seems.  The holidays are hard for me. They seem to be a constant reminder of what could have been. This week marks a year since I found out I was pregnant with our 5th child and next month will mark a year since my miscarriage. I find myself imagining 5 cherub faces around a beautifully lit Christmas tree and my heart aches. This December also marked the 5th anniversary of Lachlan's stillbirth.

I can remember it as vividly as if it were yesterday though. The sounds, the smells, the sorrow.  And I remember the anger.  I know though that I'm not the first to be angry at the death of my loved one. 

John chapter 11 tells us of a pair of sisters, Mary and Martha, whose brother, Lazarus falls ill. The sisters send for Jesus. He does not come and Lazarus dies. Mary and Martha bury Lazarus and begin to mourn for their brother. Jesus comes 4 days after Lazarus had been buried. The sisters go to him, Martha alone at first, and again with Mary. Each of them greet Him with the same statement.

"Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died."

Martha and Mary were angry and hurt. Mary threw herself down at His feet, weeping.  So did I. "If you'd been here Lord, Lachlan wouldn't have died. If you'd loved me Lord, my son would be alive. Why'd you take him from me Lord?" I screamed these questions and more at Him for weeks. And then I stopped talking to Him altogether. My pain and anger had turned to bitterness and resentment. And unlike Martha, my faith was sorely lacking. 

"But I know, that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will give it thee." (John 11:22 KJV).

Martha had enough faith in her Savior that she had hope. She knew that whatever Jesus asked of His Father, God would give it. She hoped with her whole heart that He'd intercede and somehow give her brother back to her. And He did. He raised Lazarus from the dead. And forgave them their anger, forgave them their hurt. What Martha and Mary understood in a single day, took me years to understand. Jesus is the Resurrection, He is the Life and whosoever believeth in Him shall never die. 

Lachlan is buried in the midst of a beautiful daylily garden, under an apple tree at my parents' home. I go to visit him throughout the year, but on the anniversary of his stillbirth and his due date I take him a bouquet of flowers. I have always gone alone. But this year Brandon, Kieran and Devlin went with me. This year I introduced my sons to their brother. As I stood there, tears streaming down my face, I took the flowers, one by one, from the bouquet and my boys placed them on the angel that stands at Lachlan's grave. 

My tears were of sadness, of mourning, of longing but they were also of peace. The anger that once burned so bitterly inside my soul was gone. I could look upon my sons as they giggled with excitement over learning that they had a brother in heaven and feel His wonderful peace because I knew my firstborn lived again. He lives on in my heart and their laughter, in Brandon's love and my peace. Lachlan lives because I believe in a Savior who loves me enough to shed His blood on Calvary for my sins. Lachlan lives because I believe in a Savior who loves me even when I couldn't love Him. Lachlan lives because my Savior is the Resurrection and the Life, the Love and the Light of men. 

What better preparation for my heart and soul to long for my Savior's coming than to know my son and other babies will greet me also. 

How Sweet The Hour

How sweet the hour of praise and prayer,

When our devotions blend,

And on the wings of faith divine

Our songs of joy ascend!

’Tis then we hear in tones more clear

The gracious promise giv’n,

That, though we part from friends on earth,

We all shall meet in Heav’n.

We all shall meet in Heav’n at last,

We all shall meet in Heav’n;

Through faith in Jesus’ precious blood,

We all shall meet in Heav’n.

How sweet the tie of hallowed love

That binds our hearts in one;

When gathered in the blessèd name

Of Christ, the Father’s Son!

And though the parting soon may come,

Yet in His Word is giv’n

The blessèd hope that by and by

We all shall meet in Heav’n.

Yes, soon our worn and weary feet

Will reach the golden strand,

Where those we love our coming wait

In yonder summerland;

A few more days, a few more years,

By storm and tempest driv’n,

With songs and everlasting joy

We all shall meet in Heav’n.