The Names of God: Jehovah-Jireh

Jehovah-Jireh: The LORD Will Provide

Genesis 22:14 KJV

And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah-jireh: as it is said to this day, In the mount of the LORD it shall be seen.

Jehovah-Jireh, The LORD Will Provide. I have so many testimonies, so many blessings I could write about in affirmation of this name of God. So many times in my life and in the lives of my family and my church family when the LORD has provided, has seen to our needs in ways we did not think possible. Jehovah-Jireh sees each and every one of us, sees what we stand in need of and provides for us in ways we cannot fathom, just as He has always done. 

Abraham was the first to use this name of God after God provided for Himself a lamb to sacrifice on Mount Moriah. Abraham took a staggering leap of faith when he left that day to walk with Isaac up on the mountain. But he never doubted that they would both return. He told the men who had made the journey with them that together he and Isaac would go and worship and together they would return. He never doubted, even for a second that Isaac would return with him, even telling Isaac that God would provide Himself a burnt offering. His faith was rewarded in God's provision of the ram. God knew that Abraham was willing to give all he had to God, even his own flesh and blood, and so He blessed him with the promise that Abraham's seed would multiply as the stars of the heaven and the sands of the sea shore. And God continued to provide for the children of Israel throughout their generations.  

And we can be sure today that beyond our physical needs and wants, beyond all things worldly and temporal, our eternal needs have been provided for as well. Jehovah-Jireh provided for Himself a sacrifice once again in His Son Jesus Christ, a Lamb more pure than any other, perfect and without blemish. Once we accept His Son as our Savior, we need not ever worry again about the trails and tribulations of this life. That is not to say that we will not endure them as children of God, but that we have the assurance that regardless of the outcome of our trials,they are only temporary. Our eternal provisions have been made. My earthly home may be small, may be old, may not be fancy and may need many repairs, but my Lord has gone to prepare a place for me, a mansion in gloryland, that mortal hands could never craft. My earthly car may be outdated, scratched, dented, and in need of repairs, but praise God I'll not need it when I leave this wretched body behind and my feet touch the streets of gold that await me in Paradise. My clothes may not be fashionable, may not fit just right,and  my boys may wear hand-me-downs, but that's just fine, because my Savior is standing at the right hand of the Father, ready to adorn us in robes of white and crowns of glory.

There may be much you stand in need of tonight, but there is nothing that Jehovah-Jireh cannot provide, temporal or eternal, we must simply put our faith in Him and ask. We must be willing to take that staggering leap of faith as Abraham did and trust that God will provide for His own. We must lay our Isaac down, whatever that may be. We must be prepared to give God our all, our most precious possessions, our time, our lives, and serve Him. When we give Him our lives in service, He sees to every need, He provides at every turn and in every circumstance.

He is Jehovah-Jireh, the LORD Who Provides.

When I Lay My Isaac Down

Abraham prayed for the day 

God would give him a son 

Blessed Isaac was his name 

The greatest gift he’d ever known 

Then came the day, who would have dreamed 

God would say “Give him to me

On this mountain you will prove, 

It’s you and Isaac, or it’s me and you”

When I lay my Isaac down 

Broken heart but my Fathers proud 

On this altar here he lays 

Just to find it wasn’t him, God wanted me

Most of us I’d dare to say 

Have an Isaac in God’s way 

On the Altar God will prove 

It’s not your Isaac that he wants 

He wants you

When I lay my Isaac down 

Broken heart but my Fathers proud 

On this altar here he lays 

Just to find it wasn’t him, God wanted me

The Names of God: El Roi

El Roi: The God Who Sees

Genesis 16:13 KJV

And she called the name of the LORD that spake unto her, Thou God seest me: for she said, Have I also here looked after him that seeth me?

There was a young boy whose mother had passed away unexpectedly. He was the smallest of several children and his father was grief-stricken. The boy never uttered a word or shed a tear when they told him his Momma had died, he was quiet through the planning of the funeral and during the service, silent on the car ride to the cemetery. 

But when the men started to lower the casket into the ground, the little boy started screaming, "Don't put my Momma in that hole! Don't put my Momma in the ground! Don't put my Momma in that hole!" He was sobbing and screaming while his Daddy held him and they watched as her casket was finally lowered. 

On the car ride home, the little boy asked his Daddy when his Momma was coming home, and tired and worn, sorrowful and stressed, his Daddy snapped back at him, "Son she's not coming home ever again and you just need to hush about it." 

He'd not have spoken to the boy that way if he'd not been heartbroken, he never meant to hurt him. The boy hushed and didn't speak the rest of the ride home. Once there the children went inside and began getting ready for bed. The Daddy sat alone in the dark in the bedroom he'd once shared with his wife. He hadn't said a word since he'd snapped at his boy. 

His door opened and the little boy came in and said "Daddy, if my Momma ain't never coming home again, can I sleep with you?" His Daddy told him he could and they climbed into bed. It was only a minute later when the Daddy felt his son's hands brush across his face, lightly, gingerly. He said "Son what are you doing?" And the little boy answered, "Daddy you might not know this but I'm afraid of the dark and if I can just feel your eyes, I'll know you're looking my way and I'll be alright."

I'm glad tonight that I worship and serve a God whose eyes are looking my way! I've got a heavenly Father who sees me! He sees me in the darkest black of night and the brightest light of day. He sees me in my sorrows and my rejoicings. He sees me and He knows my fears and my dreams. I am so thankful that I've got a Father that I can scrooch up to when I'm afraid, when I feel like my world has fallen to pieces around me. I'm just so thankful tonight to know the God Who Sees.

I was worried that I'd not be able to do this post justice, that I wouldn't be able to magnify His name. But then I heard one of my favorite preachers, Brother Mark Stroud, give this illustration about the little boy in a sermon and I knew exactly why I'd tarried in writing this post. Sometimes we just need to know and to be thankful for who He is and what He has done for us. He's not bound by flesh, He won't snap at us, and we need not tell Him what our fears are because He already knows. He knows us inside and out, knows the very number of hairs on our heads. He knows when we're scared of the dark, when we need held, when we need peace and when we need comfort. 

Hagar was the only person to ever call God by this name. I've read many commentaries about this as I've studied in the last week and each one had a different thought about why she gave God this name. But I wondered if it wasn't because it was in that moment when the angel of the Lord appeared to her and told her that she was with child and his name would be called Ishmael, meaning "God hears", that she realized that the God of Abraham was her God too? She was an Egyptian, possibly a runaway slave, whose own name means "forsake."  Maybe she knew that then as the angel stood in front of her after she had fled Sarai's jealousy, that God had not forsaken her. That He did in fact see her. He saw her in that moment and He saw her again in the wilderness after she and Ishmael had been cast out following Isaac's birth. She had left her son in the shade of a brush tree and had gone a bowshot off so that she couldn't hear his cries as he died. She sat crying and hopeless when the angel of the Lord appeared unto her again saying this time that God had heard Ishmael's cries and they would be delivered. 

Genesis 16-19 KJV

16 And she went, and sat her down over against him a good way off, as it were a bowshot: for she said, Let me not see the death of the child. And she sat over against him, and lift up her voice, and wept.

17 And God heard the voice of the lad; and the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said unto her, What aileth thee, Hagar? fear not; for God hath heard the voice of the lad where he is.

18 Arise, lift up the lad, and hold him in thine hand; for I will make him a great nation.

19And God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water; and she went, and filled the bottle with water, and gave the lad drink.

He is the God Who Sees and He sees me.

The Names of God: El Olam

El Olam: The Everlasting God

Psalms 90:1-2

[A Prayer of Moses the man of God.]

1 Lord, thou hast been our dwelling place in all generations.

2 Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever thou hadst formed the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, thou art God.

Isaiah 40:28

Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding.

I like to do a series with the blog posts because it focuses my thoughts and writing rather than just writing about random thoughts. And I like the series posts because when I'm done with one I immediately begin thinking about the next. Sometimes this means I have the next post up in a couple of days but usually it's a week. But everyday for that week I am thinking about the next post in the series and how my life factors in to what I'm studying about. I know I probably sound redundant at times because I write about losing Lachlan and my other babies, about the changes in Brandon over the last 3 years, about my fears and dreams for my boys - but I can only write what I know, what I feel, what I see. I can only write my story because God has given it to me to use to glorify Him.

So this week as I thought about El Olam, the Everlasting God, and my story, I was overwhelmed at the magnitude of what this name of God means.

It simply means that God and all He is, all He represents, all of His promises are eternal, without end, lasting forever. His love. His mercy. His forgiveness. His grace. His compassion. His comfort. His shelter. His longsuffering. His glory. His goodness. His gentleness. His hope. His faith. His peace. His redemption. His righteousness. His joy.

We could never deserve Him. Never work to gain His favor. Never be good enough for His eternal and everlasting greatness. 

And yet in all His eternal majesty He still created us, still spared us from the flood, spared us from hell by sending His only begotten Son. He loved us more than we could possibly fathom. 

El Olam has been our dwelling place in all generations, from beginning to end. 

He fainteth not, neither is He weary. He never tires of hearing our problems but He deserves our praises. He never tires of comforting our sorrows but He deserves our sacred songs. He never tires of loving us in spite of our sins but He deserves our lives to be lived in fear and service, truth and love of Him.

There is no searching His understanding. We cannot know in this life why He chose to send Jesus to die for our sins, aside from eternal love. But He did choose to. Before the mountains were brought forth, before He formed the earth and world, the everlasting to everlasting God knew my story and chose to send His Son to die so that I could tell it. 

I Just Wanted You To Know

You made dry ground where once were oceans 

Where once were mountains You made them low 

Where there were stones, now there is water 

You satisfy my thirsty soul 

There's strength in knowing You are near me 

That peace that You, alone bestow 

I love You more today than ever and I just wanted You to know 

Where there is fear Lord You will hide 

when winds of danger around me roll 

I feel your arms of grace around me and I just wanted you to know 

All those times I've seen your glory 

And how You've conquered my every foe 

My love for you is overflowing 

And I just wanted-- Lord I just needed! 

My heart is longing for You to know... 

and I just wanted You to know

The Names of God: El Elyon

El Elyon: The Most High God

Genesis 14:19 KJV

And he blessed him, and said, Blessed be Abram of the most high God, possessor of heaven and earth:

I have had a difficult time this week determining just exactly where the Lord wanted me to go with this post. There were several ways I could have gone. 

I thought about addressing the abomination of the Bruce Jenner sex change. The Most High God does not make mistakes in creation. He knows us within our mother's womb, knows our very frame and the numbers of hair on our heads, He bottles the tears that we shed. He does not create us as females trapped in males bodies. The very idea of that someone suffers from this because they were born that way is ludicrous. It is a mental illness that should be treated as such.

I thought about the last 4 weeks in my family's life. My niece was hospitalized with high blood pressure at nearly 37 weeks pregnant and several stressful days later she welcomed a perfectly healthy, beautiful and tiny baby boy into the world. 2 of my great aunts, they are sisters, were diagnosed with cancer on the same day. Neither prognosis was good. We attended the funeral of 1 today while the other recovered from surgery at home. Last week I completed my first round of fertility treatments and now we begin the agonizing 2 week wait to take a pregnancy test. My Daddy and my Papaw are each having heart procedures done tomorrow. Routine procedures but heart surgery nonetheless. And El Elyon, the Most High God, the possessor of heaven and earth as Genesis 14:19 proclaims Him to be, is in control of it all.  Each and every situation. And yet it can be so hard to put our faith in Him when the most stressful moments of life are upon us. We so quickly forget what the Most High God is truly capable of.

But tonight, as I stood to hear the reading of God's Holy Word in our church service, the Holy Ghost whispered to me. My Pastor read from Hebrews 12:1-3, "Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds." El Elyon, the Most High God was brought to the lowest of low for you and I.  

The weight of this world, the sin and the abomination that bombards us through every media outlet available, the worries of this flesh life and body, need be laid aside. When we find ourselves gossiping about the sins of one celebrity or another, instead of praying about the sin in our lives or praying for their souls, we are weighting ourselves down. When we find ourselves in a panic or on the verge of a nervous breakdown about a family member's health, our own desires, or even the stresses of working and paying the bills, keeping the house clean and the yard mowed, we are weighting ourselves down. We cannot run the race that has been set before us with the weight of the world on our shoulders. 

So what must we do? 

We must look to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, the Son of El Elyon, the Most High God, and we must remember what was done for us. When we are wearied and faint we must remember what was endured for our sake. El Elyon came in the flesh as Christ Jesus. The Highest of Highs became as the lowest of lows when He was born as a babe in a manger. Though perfect and sinless, He was born into a world of sin and wickedness, He endured the cross and the contradiction of our sins upon His innocence. And He did it with joy. He did it so that when we are weary and burdened we can remember, we can feel it deep within our souls, His love and what His sacrifice means for us. It means that no matter how heavy the weight of this world is we do not have to bear it alone. We can cast it aside and look to Him, El Elyon, the Most High God.

The Names of God: Adonai-Lord

Adonai-Lord: Master

Adonai-Lord indicates the sovereignty of God. The Master is the one who assumes control of a situation. The servant, seeks to know and to do the will of his Master.

Genesis 15:2 KJV
And Abram said, Lord GOD, what wilt thou give me, seeing I go childless, and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus?

Abram was in a pickle. He was old, rich, and had no heir. He knew if he were to die, all that he had worked for, all that God had blessed him with, would go to some servant in his household, not his own flesh and blood. Never mind that he was being less than grateful or faithful. God had already made a powerful and bountiful covenant with him in Genesis 12:1-3 and renewed that covenant again in Genesis 13:14-18. God had assured Abram twice now that his seed would number as the dust of the earth. But Abram, like the rest of us doubted after time had passed and he was still childless. Abram was flesh, just like you, just like me. His faith faltered a little. He stumbled a bit in his walk. 

Yet the knowledge that God was still God was clear when Abram called upon Him in Genesis 15:2. The Hebrew for Lord GOD in this verse is Adonai-Lord, Master. There may have been a little doubt creeping in and beginning to clutch at his heart but the truth remained, the truth that God is Master, He is in complete control. And because He is our Master, we are to serve Him, trust Him, and have faith in Him.

And like the loving and merciful Master He is, when Abram reminded Him that he was still childless, God, Adonai, promised him his heart's desire. But not only did He promise Abram an heir from his own loins, He promised for the third time that Abram's seed would number as the stars in the heavens. 

Three times now, God had spoken to Abram and told him he would be the father of many nations, and somehow this was still not sufficient for him. Once again he got impatient, restless, and he took matters into his own hands, and Ishmael was conceived. 

Astoundingly though, God once again renewed His covenant with Abram after Ishmael's birth. This was a sure sign of His love and patience with us. Were it any other father and son, I imagine there would've been much yelling and throwing hands in the air. But He remained long-suffering, even through His promise to Sarah of a son as she laughed at the absurdity of a child at her age. 

Finally in Genesis 21, when Abraham was 100 and Sarah 90, Isaac was born and the rest is history as they say.

It took 25 years for Abraham to begin to see the fulfilling of the covenant God had made with him in Genesis 12, but that certainly did not mean that God was not in control every minute of those 25 years. And when you think about it, to only have to be reminded 3 times in a quarter of a century that God is in control, that He is Master and you are servant is pretty astonishing. It seems He has to remind me at least a dozen times in 24 hours. 

But He is. He is Master. And He is in control of each and every situation, whether it be spiritual, financial, physical, or mental, He is Master. He created the heavens and the earth...He can cure cancer with a single thought. He breathed life into dust and made man...He can put life in even the most barren of wombs. Through His Son, He took 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes and fed 5,000...He can see any bill paid, any mouth fed. 

He took one man's faltering faith and made him the father of many nations. 

Here I am Adonai-Lord, use me up, make me your righteous and faithful servant.

Adonai

One single drop of rain

Your salty tear became blue ocean

One tiny grain of sand turning in your hand

A world in motion

You're out beyond the furthest Morning Star

Close enough to hold me in Your arms

Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry

My Adonai

You are the Maker of each moment

Father of my hope and freedom

Oh, my Adonai

One timid faithful knock

Resounds upon the Rock of Ages

One trembling heart and soul

Becomes a servant bold and courageous

You call across the mountains and the seas

I answer from the deepest part of me

Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry

My Adonai

You are the Maker of each moment

Father of my hope and freedom

Oh, my Adonai

From age to age you reign in Majesty

And today You're making miracles in me

Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry

My Adonai

You are the Maker of each moment

Father of my hope and freedom

Oh, my Adonai

The Names of God: Jehovah-LORD

Jehovah-LORD: "The Self-Existent One"

Exodus 3:14 KJV

And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you.

I think that there are several stages in a person's life when "Why" becomes their favorite question. I know my boys have certainly tested the limits of my patience with that question. And sometimes my favorite response is "Because I said so." And I imagine as they grow up and continue to test the boundaries their Daddy and I set for them, they'll continue to ask "Why" and my response will probably continue to be "Because I said so" or some variation. And as they continue to grow into adults and have disappointments and curiosities, they'll keep asking, and they may receive an answer and they may not. But eventually it's the "Whys" that drive us. They can drive us mad or they can drive us to action. They can drive us towards God or away from God. 

I've uttered the question in disbelief, I've screamed it in anger, I've groaned it in pain. And in those times the answer is the hardest to understand. Each and every time I have lost a baby, I've run the gauntlet of these emotions and I've wanted that one question answered.

This past week as I listened to a woman recount her friend's story of tragic stillbirth, I softly asked "Why Lord?" Why did He let her pregnancy reach 30 weeks and then call her baby girl home? Over the weekend I sobbed "Why Lord?" in crushed disappointment because I missed the birth of my first great-nephew. Why when He knew how much I wanted to be there for my niece did He keep me from her?  And as I sat tonight and heard a sweet friend confide in me her loss of a precious baby boy 11 years ago, I wondered "Why Lord?" Why has she had to carry the burden of this loss alone all these years? 

I think as a Christian the "Whys" are harder to deal with than any other question because we have to have faith that He has a perfect will for each and every one of us. It's not as simple as asking "Why does the Earth revolve around the Sun?" or "Why do earthquakes happen?" We can't just pull up Google and ask God why life happens the way that it does. But we can turn to His Word and find comfort. The great I AM sent me each and every one of my babies, just as He sent Moses to lead the children of Israel out of bondage. And when they fulfilled their earthly purpose He called my babies home again, just as He'll do with Kieran and Devlin when they fulfill their purpose for Him, just as He did with Moses, just as He does with us all. Each positive pregnancy test was not a promise of a life here on earth with that baby but an eternity spent worshiping my Jesus side by side with my baby. We are never promised eternal life here on earth but in a perfect Heaven with a perfect Father when we accept His perfect Gift.

We may never have an answer for our "Whys" here on this earth but we can have faith that the Self-Existent One, the great I AM, has a true and perfect answer.

The Eternal Life

(to the tune of Auld Lang Syne)

It singeth low in every heart,

We hear it each and all;

A song of those who answer not,

However we may call.

They throng the silence of the breast;

We see them as of yore;

The kind, the true, the brave, the sweet,

Who walk with us no more.

 ’Tis hard to take the burden up,

When these have laid it down;

They brightened all the joy of life,

They softened every frown.

But, Oh, ’tis good to think of them

When we are troubled sore;

Thanks be to God that such have been,

Though they are here no more.

 More home-like seems the vast unknown

Since they have entered there;

To follow them were not so hard,

Wherever they may fare.

They cannot be where God is not,

On any sea or shore;

Whate’er betides, Thy love abides,

Our God, forevermore.

The Names of God: Elohim-God

Elohim-God, The Strong and Faithful One. 

Psalms 90:2

Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever thou hadst formed the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, thou art God.

I'll just be honest tonight. I'm sitting here in the middle of my very own pity party, ugly crying and everything in my living room while Brandon and the boys sleep soundly. 

And over what? 

My time. 

There aren't enough hours in the day to do all that I need or want to do. Not enough time for housework or homework, not enough time to blog or to update our ministry website, not enough time to prepare for my women's meeting devotion next week or vacation Bible school, not enough time to cook supper - much less eat it, not enough time to do our yard work, not enough time to play with my boys, not enough time to spend with my husband, and not enough time for me to read, to sew, to sit down and enjoy Netflix without worrying about my never-ending "to do" list. And someone please tell me where to find enough time to sleep. I am crying over time spent doing everything but what ought to be done, time spent on everyone else but myself. It is a selfish, hateful pity party. 

And as I sit here typing my list of obligations, priorities, and wants and crying because there is not enough time for myself during the day, it is glaringly obvious that there isn't enough time for what ought to be my number one priority, my Jesus. Where in my list was I worried that there wasn't enough time for Jesus in my day? I wasn't. He was an afterthought, put on the back burner until I could find 5 minutes for Him that I wasn't selfishly wanting for myself. 

What if Elohim-God felt that way about me? What if I was just an afterthought to Him, just a muttered prayer at bedtime, what if He went all day and never once thought of me? If The Strong and Faithful One were as selfish as me, I'd not even be here, none of us would be. He'd never have sent His Son to shed His blood on Calvary if He were as selfish and as hateful as I am feeling right now. 

But from everlasting to everlasting, He is Elohim-God, He is strong and He is faithful. And He'll still love me when I wipe the tears from my face and ask forgiveness for the selfish way I've behaved. He'll still love me even though there wasn't enough time to finish my homework this week. He'll still love me even though there is a mountain of laundry to do and a pile of dishes to wash. He'll still love me even though my yard needs tended to. And He'll still love me even though I desperately want to sit down and binge watch Netflix and eat the hidden stash of Easter candy I have. 

But what He wants is for me to give Him my time. He wants me to wake with His name on lips and fall asleep uttering His praises at night. He wants me to spend my time in His Word during the day and come to Him with thanksgiving not just wanting and needing. He wants me to grow strong in His Word and be faithful in my love. He wants me to spend as much time with Him as I want to spend on myself. 

From everlasting to everlasting, He is Elohim-God, He is strong, He is faithful, and He deserves my time.

When The Waiting Is Over

When the waiting is over the tiniest drop of hope that was in the deepest part of your heart disappears and disappointment takes its place. 

You would think after 3 weeks of waiting, that when I woke up to cramping and bleeding last Saturday morning, that I would be prepared for it. You would think I had been expecting it, would have been resigned to it, would have been relieved by it because at least that would mean the waiting was over. But you'd be wrong. 

I had built up this tiny drop of hope in the deepest part of my heart until it wasn't really so tiny anymore. I had nearly convinced myself that I was carrying a miracle baby, that the doctors and science were wrong this time, that the Lord wouldn't do this to me again. He couldn't. Could He? But He did. And there I found myself in a crumpled heap in the corner of the shower, mourning another lost baby, the crushing weight of disappointment taking my breath. 

Two-thirds. 66.666%. That is how many of my children are now in Heaven. I've become a pitiful statistic with no explanation and no understanding. I absolutely cannot fathom why the Lord saw fit to take yet another baby from my womb, leaving me empty, broken. 

There's no anger, no hatred, no bitterness in my heart towards my Savior. Only sadness and confusion, hurt. I was just so unprepared for this outcome. I read about Hannah and Samuel over and over again. I cried out, I pleaded, I begged. And I simply knew that my petition had been heard and would be answered with life. Instead the answer was death. 

And now, everyday I have to explain to my boys why there isn't a baby in Mommy's belly anymore. And if I thought that it was the waiting that was a cruel pain, well I was wrong. The cruelest pain is trying to answers their "why"s when I have no idea how. 

But the Lord works in mysterious ways, it's true. I opened the mail last Saturday evening to find a beautiful card from my Aunt Linda that read:

Life is always full of open and closed doors...

God knows what you are going through and will always be with you.

We don't always understand what God is doing in our lives,

but He has a purpose for it,

we just have to trust Him and He will get us through it.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

"The Lord is gracious, and full of compassion" Psalms 145:8

The card was postmarked 2 days before I woke up to the harsh reality of the miscarriage I had denied for so long. 

This week has been long and it has been hard. But I have kept busy and I've kept that scripture in my heart. The Lord knew just what I needed and He is gracious and He is full of compassion. I know this because even though they're little, my boys understand God's love. They tell me it's ok to cry and that they didn't want Jesus to take their baby back to Heaven either, but that their sister has a Father and His name is God. And that is a balm for my soul, knowing that they are learning, that their hearts are being prepared for Him.

I may never understand God's purpose but I have to trust that it is what is best and right for our family, that it will glorify and honor Him, and that one day my family will be reunited. So the disappointment has to go. Because truly, how can I be so disappointed and hurt when I know who is rocking my babies to sleep tonight, the Great I AM is. How can I be so disappointed when the angels are singing sweet lullabies to my tiny babies? How can I be so disappointed when my babies were loved more in their brief time inside my womb than some people can even fathom. It is the Creator of the universe who kisses their rosy cheeks each day and ruffles their blonde curls. 

I cannot be disappointed for He is gracious and full of compassion. 

A Cruel Pain

A month ago yesterday I took a home pregnancy test on a whim. I was shocked and thrilled to see it was positive. I woke Brandon up to tell him and he was as stunned and excited as I was. And I tried to keep it a secret as long as I could...which ended up being less than 24 hours.  The boys saw the tests in the bathroom and were naturally curious and we were excited to tell them what the tests meant, that they were going to get a baby brother or sister. I took lots of pictures and video as we told them, their expressions and excitement was priceless. The picture above is what we used to announce the pregnancy to our family. We were on could nine. And then the bottom dropped out of the cloud. 

The last two weeks have been full of pain and confusion. I'm in limbo waiting for the miscarriage my doctors say is imminent. My hcg levels dropped out of sight and the pregnancy tests now read negative. It's a cruel pain, the waiting. Because in the waiting lives the tiniest drop of hope. Hope that the doctors are wrong, hope that despite what science says that my baby is alive and thriving, hope that if I can just endure a little longer I can ask for an ultrasound that will prove there is life blossoming in my womb. 

So here I sit...wondering, hoping, doubting, grieving.

My heart tells me that my God is all powerful, all knowing, and all consuming. He knows the truest desires of my heart, He hears me when I can't bear to utter a word, and He has the power to take this tiny bit of hope in the farthest corner of my heart and make it a reality. But then my mind takes over and I realize that I sound like a lunatic to most people. That my mind is probably compensating for my grief and twisting reality to enable me to cope without having a full on mental breakdown. I know I have scoured the internet enough for stories of healthy babies born in situations like mine to know that I probably am crazy.

But I've just realized that in these last weeks I've forgotten all that I learned about the 5 Crowns of the Christian Life and I've forgotten what it means to be a daughter of the King. 

A daughter of the King is known not by the crown she wears, but the message she bears.

We are women of beauty, women of grace, women of excellence, beholding God’s face. We walk with the Lord, with integrity, knowing our purpose and destiny. No matter what happens we walk in God’s love, reflecting the beauty of our Father above. 

So while I have driven myself to anxiety, worry, lunacy, and doubt, the devil has been creeping in, doing his ever-lovin' best to steal away the crowns I have been striving to achieve. Why would these crowns be of any importance to him? Because they not only represent a life lived for Christ, they are gifts to be given to my Savior. 

Revelation 4:10-11

10 The four and twenty elders fall down before him that sat on the throne, and worship him that liveth for ever and ever, and cast their crowns before the throne, saying, 11 Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.

I've been letting the devil steal all that I've worked for. And if I don't stop and take them back I'll be empty-handed at the feet of my Father. I'll have nothing to cast before His feet while I worship and praise Him.

So while the waiting is cruel and the unknown is frightening, I have to remember that no matter what the outcome is, my Jesus loves me. My Jesus loves me enough to have worn a crown of thorns so that I could one day be given the crowns of a Christian life. 

5 Crowns of the Christian Life: The Crown of Glory

The Crown of Glory

1 Peter 5:1-4
1 The elders which are among you I exhort, who am also an elder, and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, and also a partaker of the glory that shall be revealed: 
2 Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight [thereof], not by constraint, but willingly; not for filthy lucre, but of a ready mind; 
3 Neither as being lords over [God's] heritage, but being ensamples to the flock. 
4 And when the chief Shepherd shall appear, ye shall receive a crown of glory that fadeth not away. 

The Pastor’s crown; it is given to the ministers who faithfully feed the flock of God and possibly includes all those who teach the Word of God in their respective ministries.

One of the greatest blessings about having children, is watching them learn about the Lord and His love for them. Seeing the smiles on their faces as they boldly and proudly proclaim that Jesus lives in their heart is one of the most joyous moments in a parent's life. To a child who is pure and innocent, there's no need to wonder about why they can't see Jesus because they can feel Him, they trust in Him, and they love Him. My boys are only 2.5 and 4 years old, and even though they don't quite understand what Salvation is, they are preparing their hearts for Him to move right in. But there was a time when I feared my boys would never know the truth of Jesus. 

One of the hardest things for me after Kieran was born was the worrying I did about how to teach Him about the Lord. Brandon and I were at odds over the ins and outs of religious doctrine and faith. For years there was painful tension anytime the Bible was brought up. So even though I went with him to "Bible study" with his family, I ignored what was being taught and I studied on my own. I hated getting into debates with him about doctrine and theory. We would just argue in circles, neither of us giving in. And we would finally just call it quits with "as long as you believe Jesus Christ died on the cross for your sins that's all that matters."  I never doubted Brandon's Salvation, just his upbringing. 

So for the whole first year of Kieran's life I worried. And I did my best to keep us out of "Bible study." I believe the Lord had a hand in Kieran's naptime being precisely when study began, and me being a vehement believer in never waking a sleeping baby. But I had no idea what the solution to the problem was. I was terrified that taking Kieran to church would mean the end of my marriage. So I didn't bring it up. I didn't talk about taking him to church, I didn't sing Jesus Loves Me to him, I didn't pray with him, I didn't teach him from the moment he was born about the Man who gave His life to save his. I failed Kieran. I failed him miserably because I was afraid of the fight it would be to take him to church. 

I will thank the Lord everyday from now until I die, that I never had to have that fight and that my boys never had to face a future without Jesus. Just after Kieran turned a year old, and I was 5 months pregnant with Devlin, God moved in such a mighty way in our lives. Within a week, our life had been completely transformed. Yes, we lost a lot in the transformation, but we gained so much more. My boys may have lost one set of grandparents but they have gained the chance to learn about and accept eternal life, a chance that they likely would not have had. 

It has been 3 years since we have rededicated our lives to the Lord. 3 years of being back in church, growing in the Lord, and living a Christian life. So many things have changed in the last 3 years. Brandon answered his call to preach and is preaching his first revival in less than a week. He is a Sunday school teacher and he sings in the choir. He founded Help The Hurt Ministry and supported me in starting this blog. Now the only argument we have about the Bible is who gets to lead the family devotion at bedtime. 

Not only do our boys now have parents united in a love for Jesus but they also have a whole host of extended church family. They are surrounded by people who love the Lord and who love them, who teach them and minister to them. They are excited to go to church, and not just for the snacks Nanna Sharon brings them in Sunday School. Devlin loves to sing about Calvary and even though Kieran is shy and won't stand up in front of the congregation to say his Bible verse, he is listening and paying attention while the Pastor preaches and he is learning. They have relationships within the church with strong Christian men and women that they never would have had if God had not moved and worked in such an astounding way. They have a relationship with their Nanna and Poppa that I am so thankful for. There is a bond and a love there that grows each and every day. They will never lack for love.

So I may be wrong but I do believe that Crown of Glory is not only given to the God called preachers who have faithfully served as Pastors but also to the “elders” in Christian life. The deacons, the Sunday School teachers, the Song leaders, missionaries, evangelists, young preachers who are doing a service each and every day for the Lord, the men and women that my boys look up to, learn from and love. I also believe this crown is for those Mommas and Daddys who may not hold a position in their church but who teach their children and nurture and raise them in the admonition of the Lord, who make the chaotic and stressful trip to church with infants and toddlers and sullen teenagers because it matters, because even at 3 months, 3 years, or 13 years they need Jesus to permeate their lives. For the grandparents who pray unceasingly for the lost and backslid in their families, who love the unlovable, and who teach simply by living for Jesus. For the older generation in the churches who are teaching the younger generations what hard work means, what faithful and long lasting marriages mean, what living a testimony for Christ means. 

Each and every one of us have a ministry in our lives and it is up to us to faithfully and intentionally live out Christ’s love for us for the world to see Him in us. As C.S. Lewis says, we must shine, not so that others can see us, but so that others can see Him in us.

  

5 Crowns of the Christian Life: The Crown of Righteousness

The Crown of Righteousness

2 Timothy 4:8
Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing. 

This crown is for those who look for the appearing of Christ, who anxiously await and look forward to the day when He will return for His saints. It is given to those who have lived a good and righteous life for God while here on this earth.

Before this past Christmas, I honestly did not know what Advent meant. I had seen DIY Advent Calendars on Pinterest, counting down the days until Christmas. But I didn't really think that is what Advent meant in the spiritual sense, little chocolates in calendar pockets. So I did a little bit of studying and learned that Advent is the preparation of our hearts for Christ’s coming. It is generally celebrated in the four weeks leading up to Christmas but truly Advent should be celebrated year round. We should continually be preparing our hearts for Him, looking for His coming, and love knowing that just any minute He could appear. We should be like kids waiting for Christmas morning.

There is an evangelist that Brandon and I like to listen to and one night on the way to church we were listening to him preach a message. In that message he told a story and it was so powerful and so convicting that I will never forget it. It went like this:

There was a man, a preacher, who went on a mission trip to Africa. He went with several other preachers and men of God, to preach the Gospel and spread Christ's love. After being there many days, they made one last stop before preparing to return home to the States. They stopped at an orphanage for mentally handicapped and disabled children, hoping to present the Word of God to them. The director led them on a tour of the home first, before meeting the children. The house was in immaculate condition, the men could've eaten breakfast right off the floor...except for one low corner window that faced the road in the front room of the house. Intrigued, one of the preachers asked the director why that window was so dirty, smudged and streaked with fingerprints, when the rest of the house was spic and span. She looked at him, and then looked at the children playing around them in the house and she told him that there was something that he needed to know. This group of missionaries he was with was not the first group of missionaries to pass by their little orphanage. Other men of God had been that way before and had told the children of a man named Jesus who loved them in spite of their imperfections, who loved them when they had been abandoned by everyone else, who loved them enough to shed His blood at Calvary for them and that He would return for them one day, to take them to an eternal home. The director looked from the children to the window and back to the men and told them that the window was so dirty because every morning after breakfast, those children crowded around that window, pressing their faces and hands to the glass, and they watched down the road for the man named Jesus who loved them enough to die for them. They waited and they watched for Him to come and take them home.

I can not think of a more beautiful description of what the receiver of the Crown of Righteousness looks like, lives like, loves like. Those precious children, whose minds weren't clouded and corrupted by the world, whose innocence was pure and sweet, they understood what so many of us can't. They understood that salvation is just that simple, that beautiful, that loving. They understood that all they needed to do was to believe that He had shed His blood just for them and believe that He would return for them one day. They believed so wholeheartedly that they sat, waiting and watching for Him every single day.

What have I done today? Have I thanked Him for His sacrifice for me, for my children, for the world around me? Have I shared His love with anyone today? Have I waited and watched for Him with the anticipation of a child on Christmas? Because what He did for me was a gift, a priceless gift. Do I cherish it enough to anxiously await His coming? 

I want to live my life in a season of continual Advent, preparing my heart for His return. I want to be there, with my face and hands pressed to the glass, anxiously awaiting Him when I hear that trumpet blow and I see Him step out on the clouds. I want to know that He has laid up for me in heaven a Crown of Righteousness.

5 Crowns of the Christian Life: The Crown of Rejoicing

The Crown of Rejoicing

1 Thessalonians 2:19-20

19 For what [is] our hope, or joy, or crown of rejoicing? [Are] not even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at his coming? 

20 For ye are our glory and joy. 

This crown is given to those who faithfully and joyfully are witnesses to the saving grace of God and whose lives point men to Jesus.

Today the little boy in this picture turned 4 years old. It is so hard to believe how fast the time has slipped by me. Those itty bitty newborn outfits, no bigger than a baby doll would wear, have been replaced by grass stained blue jeans and dinosaur t-shirts. Baby rattles and pacifiers replaced by Legos and anything that roars.

Tonight as I sang him to sleep and he clutched his brand new toys, my heart was remembering and rejoicing. Remembering the aching emptiness it had once felt and rejoicing at the overwhelming fullness if feels now. 

Oh that day felt like it would never come. Disappointment, sadness and heartbreak had paved the way for worry, sickness, and anxiety. 20 weeks of bedrest, blood pressure medicine, and endless tests, made for a long and difficult pregnancy. A grueling labor, failed epidurals, and a painful c-section all culminated in one of the most glorious moments of my life. Hearing Kieran cry for the first time, knowing that this time I would be leaving the hospital with a baby to raise instead of one to grieve, was a moment that gave clarity to everything I had endured up to that moment and one I'll never forget.

You see in that moment I loved my son with a fierceness that I couldn't quite comprehend. I had loved him while he was in my womb but up until that moment when he cried, he'd really only been a dream, a dream I had been waiting for so long to come true. But there he was and as I held him to my breast to nurse, as I cradled him throughout the night, as I meticulously charted his feedings and diaper changings, I began to understand all that I had endured. I understood that now, having had my dreams turn to nightmares before, that I would love him more deeply and protect him more mightily than I'd ever imagined possible.  He needed me. And I needed Jesus. 

There have been a lot of changes take place in our lives over the last 4 years, and though there have been hard times and sad times, my heart has been rejoicing at what the Lord did for us when Kieran was born. We had been living in sin, we were out of the will of God, and we were headed for disaster. But when I heard Kieran's first cries, the Lord made a change in my heart. If I hadn't been willing to turn back to Christ for myself, I was now responsible for someone else's soul. And in that instant my heart made a vow to my Savior that I would protect him with all I had in me and with all that He could give me. 

It was just after Kieran's first birthday when we attended church for the first time as a family and it was amazing, near miraculous, that change that took place in our lives.

Now instead of living in the past and wallowing in our sin sick lives, we are rejoicing at what is to come. Now instead of focusing on the wickedness that this world has to offer, we are doing our best to point our children towards Jesus in our rejoicing, in our praise, in our love of Him. Now instead of working our way through a 6-pack, we are collecting Crowns by living Christ centered lives full of rejoicing. We are rejoicing in our hearts that the Lord will save Kieran's soul some sweet day just as He has saved ours, we are rejoicing in our hearts that the Lord is coming again for us one happy day, and we are rejoicing in our hearts that one wonderful day our family will be whole again in the presence of our Savior. 

~~~***~~~

We don’t know what the future holds, nor what the purpose of our past is until the Lord uses our story to bring glory and honor to His name. Be joyful in your life, you don’t know who is watching or what testimony you are leaving behind.