The Names of God: Jehovah-Jireh

Jehovah-Jireh: The LORD Will Provide

Genesis 22:14 KJV

And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah-jireh: as it is said to this day, In the mount of the LORD it shall be seen.

Jehovah-Jireh, The LORD Will Provide. I have so many testimonies, so many blessings I could write about in affirmation of this name of God. So many times in my life and in the lives of my family and my church family when the LORD has provided, has seen to our needs in ways we did not think possible. Jehovah-Jireh sees each and every one of us, sees what we stand in need of and provides for us in ways we cannot fathom, just as He has always done. 

Abraham was the first to use this name of God after God provided for Himself a lamb to sacrifice on Mount Moriah. Abraham took a staggering leap of faith when he left that day to walk with Isaac up on the mountain. But he never doubted that they would both return. He told the men who had made the journey with them that together he and Isaac would go and worship and together they would return. He never doubted, even for a second that Isaac would return with him, even telling Isaac that God would provide Himself a burnt offering. His faith was rewarded in God's provision of the ram. God knew that Abraham was willing to give all he had to God, even his own flesh and blood, and so He blessed him with the promise that Abraham's seed would multiply as the stars of the heaven and the sands of the sea shore. And God continued to provide for the children of Israel throughout their generations.  

And we can be sure today that beyond our physical needs and wants, beyond all things worldly and temporal, our eternal needs have been provided for as well. Jehovah-Jireh provided for Himself a sacrifice once again in His Son Jesus Christ, a Lamb more pure than any other, perfect and without blemish. Once we accept His Son as our Savior, we need not ever worry again about the trails and tribulations of this life. That is not to say that we will not endure them as children of God, but that we have the assurance that regardless of the outcome of our trials,they are only temporary. Our eternal provisions have been made. My earthly home may be small, may be old, may not be fancy and may need many repairs, but my Lord has gone to prepare a place for me, a mansion in gloryland, that mortal hands could never craft. My earthly car may be outdated, scratched, dented, and in need of repairs, but praise God I'll not need it when I leave this wretched body behind and my feet touch the streets of gold that await me in Paradise. My clothes may not be fashionable, may not fit just right,and  my boys may wear hand-me-downs, but that's just fine, because my Savior is standing at the right hand of the Father, ready to adorn us in robes of white and crowns of glory.

There may be much you stand in need of tonight, but there is nothing that Jehovah-Jireh cannot provide, temporal or eternal, we must simply put our faith in Him and ask. We must be willing to take that staggering leap of faith as Abraham did and trust that God will provide for His own. We must lay our Isaac down, whatever that may be. We must be prepared to give God our all, our most precious possessions, our time, our lives, and serve Him. When we give Him our lives in service, He sees to every need, He provides at every turn and in every circumstance.

He is Jehovah-Jireh, the LORD Who Provides.

When I Lay My Isaac Down

Abraham prayed for the day 

God would give him a son 

Blessed Isaac was his name 

The greatest gift he’d ever known 

Then came the day, who would have dreamed 

God would say “Give him to me

On this mountain you will prove, 

It’s you and Isaac, or it’s me and you”

When I lay my Isaac down 

Broken heart but my Fathers proud 

On this altar here he lays 

Just to find it wasn’t him, God wanted me

Most of us I’d dare to say 

Have an Isaac in God’s way 

On the Altar God will prove 

It’s not your Isaac that he wants 

He wants you

When I lay my Isaac down 

Broken heart but my Fathers proud 

On this altar here he lays 

Just to find it wasn’t him, God wanted me

The Names of God: El Gibbor

El Gibbor: The Mighty God

This name of God lays emphasis upon the omnipotence or power of God.

Isaiah 9:6 KJV

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

I've had a difficult time writing this post. I've thought about it every day for a month and just have not been able to put the words together to form a coherent thought. I have been battling depression and just plain misery. But in the last 2 weeks we have attended services in 3 different camp meetings or revivals, with 3 different preachers, and 3 very different message themes. Yet each one in their own way brought out the magnificence of the Mighty God that we serve.

Each preacher brought a message about our Mighty God that I needed to hear. The first about a Mighty God who fervently prayed for me, even as He was in the midst of sacrificing Himself. The second preacher brought a message about worshiping our Mighty God, even when we feel like it the least. The third preacher brought a message about the Mighty God who is able to bring us up, bring us out, and bring us in. 

I've learned that the Mighty God sent His Son, the One called Wonderful, Counselor, and The Prince of Peace to be a Savior for my sins. And that Son had a prayer for me. 

John 17:24

Father, I will that they also, whom thou hast given me, be with me where I am; that they may behold my glory, which thou hast given me: for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world.

And He prayed not just for me, for me to be with Him where He is, but He prayed for my babies too. And for 4 of my sweet babies, that prayer has been fulfilled. They are with Him now, beholding His glory. And for the 2 living sons that I have, I know that He has prayed for them the same prayer and that it too will be fulfilled one day when we are called up to meet Him in the clouds.

I've learned too that the Mighty God deserves to be praised and worshiped in such a way that we lose sight of what is around us, what is happening in our lives, what we don't have and we gain sight of what is to come, what will happen in our glorified bodies and what we will have in His presence. I have been so downtrodden and depressed in these last 5 months, grieving for my lost baby, lost dreams, and what has felt like lost prayers, that I had forgotten how to praise Him. I've been praying so hard for myself to have a baby that I have lost sight of what I should be praying for. I should be praying His will to be done, for Him to use me and humble me, and for my family. I've been selfish these last 5 months in thinking of myself. I lost sight of the family around me that needs my prayers, I got caught up in what wasn't happening in my life and on the prayers I didn't feel like God was answering for me and I forgot how to praise Him through it all. 

Last night, I got my praise back. I praised the Mighty God. The Mighty God who can raise up the dead, cast out the demons, and  welcome in the prodigal son. I praised Him and it didn't matter that the fertility treatments failed. I praised Him and the disappointment of negative pregnancy tests were gone. I praised Him and knew that my life would be His if only I'd let it. I praised Him and knew that He would use me if only I'd let Him. I praised Him and knew that I would be reunited with my babies, my family would be complete, and that if it were His will, I would bear another child. I praised Him and knew that I loved Him, that I'd be lost without Him.

I praised the Mighty God.

The Prodigal Son

Like the prodigal son I wandered in darkness

And I traded my life for a world of good time

No peace in my heart I ever could find

And I got so tired feeding after the swine

So I believe I’ll go home and eat with the Father

The table is spread and they’re waiting for me

I can see the Father coming out to greet me

“Lord I’m willing to be just a servant for Thee”

Like the prodigal son I wandered from Jesus

But the Good Shepherd saw through the heat and the cold

The ninety and nine He left in the fold

Just to find this lost sheep that was hungry and cold

So I believe I’ll go home and eat with the Father

The table is spread and they’re waiting for me

I can see the Father coming out to greet me

“Lord I’m willing to be just a servant for Thee”

The Names of God: El Olam

El Olam: The Everlasting God

Psalms 90:1-2

[A Prayer of Moses the man of God.]

1 Lord, thou hast been our dwelling place in all generations.

2 Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever thou hadst formed the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, thou art God.

Isaiah 40:28

Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding.

I like to do a series with the blog posts because it focuses my thoughts and writing rather than just writing about random thoughts. And I like the series posts because when I'm done with one I immediately begin thinking about the next. Sometimes this means I have the next post up in a couple of days but usually it's a week. But everyday for that week I am thinking about the next post in the series and how my life factors in to what I'm studying about. I know I probably sound redundant at times because I write about losing Lachlan and my other babies, about the changes in Brandon over the last 3 years, about my fears and dreams for my boys - but I can only write what I know, what I feel, what I see. I can only write my story because God has given it to me to use to glorify Him.

So this week as I thought about El Olam, the Everlasting God, and my story, I was overwhelmed at the magnitude of what this name of God means.

It simply means that God and all He is, all He represents, all of His promises are eternal, without end, lasting forever. His love. His mercy. His forgiveness. His grace. His compassion. His comfort. His shelter. His longsuffering. His glory. His goodness. His gentleness. His hope. His faith. His peace. His redemption. His righteousness. His joy.

We could never deserve Him. Never work to gain His favor. Never be good enough for His eternal and everlasting greatness. 

And yet in all His eternal majesty He still created us, still spared us from the flood, spared us from hell by sending His only begotten Son. He loved us more than we could possibly fathom. 

El Olam has been our dwelling place in all generations, from beginning to end. 

He fainteth not, neither is He weary. He never tires of hearing our problems but He deserves our praises. He never tires of comforting our sorrows but He deserves our sacred songs. He never tires of loving us in spite of our sins but He deserves our lives to be lived in fear and service, truth and love of Him.

There is no searching His understanding. We cannot know in this life why He chose to send Jesus to die for our sins, aside from eternal love. But He did choose to. Before the mountains were brought forth, before He formed the earth and world, the everlasting to everlasting God knew my story and chose to send His Son to die so that I could tell it. 

I Just Wanted You To Know

You made dry ground where once were oceans 

Where once were mountains You made them low 

Where there were stones, now there is water 

You satisfy my thirsty soul 

There's strength in knowing You are near me 

That peace that You, alone bestow 

I love You more today than ever and I just wanted You to know 

Where there is fear Lord You will hide 

when winds of danger around me roll 

I feel your arms of grace around me and I just wanted you to know 

All those times I've seen your glory 

And how You've conquered my every foe 

My love for you is overflowing 

And I just wanted-- Lord I just needed! 

My heart is longing for You to know... 

and I just wanted You to know

The Names of God: El Elyon

El Elyon: The Most High God

Genesis 14:19 KJV

And he blessed him, and said, Blessed be Abram of the most high God, possessor of heaven and earth:

I have had a difficult time this week determining just exactly where the Lord wanted me to go with this post. There were several ways I could have gone. 

I thought about addressing the abomination of the Bruce Jenner sex change. The Most High God does not make mistakes in creation. He knows us within our mother's womb, knows our very frame and the numbers of hair on our heads, He bottles the tears that we shed. He does not create us as females trapped in males bodies. The very idea of that someone suffers from this because they were born that way is ludicrous. It is a mental illness that should be treated as such.

I thought about the last 4 weeks in my family's life. My niece was hospitalized with high blood pressure at nearly 37 weeks pregnant and several stressful days later she welcomed a perfectly healthy, beautiful and tiny baby boy into the world. 2 of my great aunts, they are sisters, were diagnosed with cancer on the same day. Neither prognosis was good. We attended the funeral of 1 today while the other recovered from surgery at home. Last week I completed my first round of fertility treatments and now we begin the agonizing 2 week wait to take a pregnancy test. My Daddy and my Papaw are each having heart procedures done tomorrow. Routine procedures but heart surgery nonetheless. And El Elyon, the Most High God, the possessor of heaven and earth as Genesis 14:19 proclaims Him to be, is in control of it all.  Each and every situation. And yet it can be so hard to put our faith in Him when the most stressful moments of life are upon us. We so quickly forget what the Most High God is truly capable of.

But tonight, as I stood to hear the reading of God's Holy Word in our church service, the Holy Ghost whispered to me. My Pastor read from Hebrews 12:1-3, "Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds." El Elyon, the Most High God was brought to the lowest of low for you and I.  

The weight of this world, the sin and the abomination that bombards us through every media outlet available, the worries of this flesh life and body, need be laid aside. When we find ourselves gossiping about the sins of one celebrity or another, instead of praying about the sin in our lives or praying for their souls, we are weighting ourselves down. When we find ourselves in a panic or on the verge of a nervous breakdown about a family member's health, our own desires, or even the stresses of working and paying the bills, keeping the house clean and the yard mowed, we are weighting ourselves down. We cannot run the race that has been set before us with the weight of the world on our shoulders. 

So what must we do? 

We must look to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, the Son of El Elyon, the Most High God, and we must remember what was done for us. When we are wearied and faint we must remember what was endured for our sake. El Elyon came in the flesh as Christ Jesus. The Highest of Highs became as the lowest of lows when He was born as a babe in a manger. Though perfect and sinless, He was born into a world of sin and wickedness, He endured the cross and the contradiction of our sins upon His innocence. And He did it with joy. He did it so that when we are weary and burdened we can remember, we can feel it deep within our souls, His love and what His sacrifice means for us. It means that no matter how heavy the weight of this world is we do not have to bear it alone. We can cast it aside and look to Him, El Elyon, the Most High God.

The Names of God: El Shaddai

El Shaddai: The Almighty God

Psalms 91:1 KJV

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

Psalms 84:10-11 KJV

10 For a day in thy courts is better than a thousand. I had rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God, than to dwell in the tents of wickedness.

11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield: the LORD will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.

Thursday night, I held my youngest son and cried myself to sleep, cried because of the cruelty of this world. Earlier in the evening I had been reminded of just exactly why I don't watch the news. The headlines and stories are heartbreaking, full of evil, and leave me physically sick thinking of how much my small town has now become like the world, they've become the same, no longer inseparable. No longer can I say I live in a Mayberry-esque town because the things that I read Thursday night don't happen in Mayberry. Parents in Mayberry loved their children. They protected them from all harm and taught them right from wrong. The parents in Mayberry didn't become the monsters hiding in the closet. Abuse, sexual, physical, or mental, was unheard of in Mayberry, unthought of. But the reality is that Mayberry was never real. Sheriff Andy Taylor never existed. Aunt Bee never cooked and cleaned the house while Opie was at school. Barney Fife never carried his single bullet in his pocket. Mayberry was too good, too innocent to be true. 

Today, children aren't safe in their own homes, aren't safe from their own parents and siblings, much less the strangers that live in their towns. The reality is that sin entered into the world with Adam and Eve and the majority of the generations of men living today have given up on fighting the evil battling to completely possess their hearts. What other explanation do we have for a "mother" to allow the sexual abuse of her own children and knowingly allow them to sexually abuse other children, innocents as young as 6 and 3 years old?

My first reaction to this news article was to call for a courthouse lynching, to string this woman up and send her straight to hell. But as I cried myself to sleep, clutching Devlin and breathing in his sweet baby scent, I found myself asking for forgiveness of those thoughts. What that woman did deserves eternal punishment, hellfire and brimstone, unending torment. But I was reminded that as a sin sick, flesh woman myself, I too deserve the same fate. No, my crimes, my sins, in no way amount to the sickness, evil, and dementedness that her actions do, but that doesn't matter because our fates were once the same. I would still be headed towards an eternity in flames where the worm dieth not, if not for El Shaddai, The Almighty God, The All-Sufficient God. El Shaddai, in His infinite love for us sent His only begotten Son to take our punishment. His sacrifice became sufficient for my sins and all I had to do was accept Him as The Almighty God, my Savior.

If she so chooses, this woman too, as vile and evil as I believe her to be, can find forgiveness, mercy, and grace, just as I did at the feet of The Almighty God. And the children involved will find love, pure, selfless, all encompassing love in El Shaddai. Though they have a lifetime of issues to work through, He is sufficient. His unending mercy and grace will be sufficient to see them through this lifetime until they are in His presence. I just pray that they have someone in their lives who loves them enough to introduce them to the Man who can be their strength and sustainer, El Shaddai.

The Names of God: Adonai-Lord

Adonai-Lord: Master

Adonai-Lord indicates the sovereignty of God. The Master is the one who assumes control of a situation. The servant, seeks to know and to do the will of his Master.

Genesis 15:2 KJV
And Abram said, Lord GOD, what wilt thou give me, seeing I go childless, and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus?

Abram was in a pickle. He was old, rich, and had no heir. He knew if he were to die, all that he had worked for, all that God had blessed him with, would go to some servant in his household, not his own flesh and blood. Never mind that he was being less than grateful or faithful. God had already made a powerful and bountiful covenant with him in Genesis 12:1-3 and renewed that covenant again in Genesis 13:14-18. God had assured Abram twice now that his seed would number as the dust of the earth. But Abram, like the rest of us doubted after time had passed and he was still childless. Abram was flesh, just like you, just like me. His faith faltered a little. He stumbled a bit in his walk. 

Yet the knowledge that God was still God was clear when Abram called upon Him in Genesis 15:2. The Hebrew for Lord GOD in this verse is Adonai-Lord, Master. There may have been a little doubt creeping in and beginning to clutch at his heart but the truth remained, the truth that God is Master, He is in complete control. And because He is our Master, we are to serve Him, trust Him, and have faith in Him.

And like the loving and merciful Master He is, when Abram reminded Him that he was still childless, God, Adonai, promised him his heart's desire. But not only did He promise Abram an heir from his own loins, He promised for the third time that Abram's seed would number as the stars in the heavens. 

Three times now, God had spoken to Abram and told him he would be the father of many nations, and somehow this was still not sufficient for him. Once again he got impatient, restless, and he took matters into his own hands, and Ishmael was conceived. 

Astoundingly though, God once again renewed His covenant with Abram after Ishmael's birth. This was a sure sign of His love and patience with us. Were it any other father and son, I imagine there would've been much yelling and throwing hands in the air. But He remained long-suffering, even through His promise to Sarah of a son as she laughed at the absurdity of a child at her age. 

Finally in Genesis 21, when Abraham was 100 and Sarah 90, Isaac was born and the rest is history as they say.

It took 25 years for Abraham to begin to see the fulfilling of the covenant God had made with him in Genesis 12, but that certainly did not mean that God was not in control every minute of those 25 years. And when you think about it, to only have to be reminded 3 times in a quarter of a century that God is in control, that He is Master and you are servant is pretty astonishing. It seems He has to remind me at least a dozen times in 24 hours. 

But He is. He is Master. And He is in control of each and every situation, whether it be spiritual, financial, physical, or mental, He is Master. He created the heavens and the earth...He can cure cancer with a single thought. He breathed life into dust and made man...He can put life in even the most barren of wombs. Through His Son, He took 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes and fed 5,000...He can see any bill paid, any mouth fed. 

He took one man's faltering faith and made him the father of many nations. 

Here I am Adonai-Lord, use me up, make me your righteous and faithful servant.

Adonai

One single drop of rain

Your salty tear became blue ocean

One tiny grain of sand turning in your hand

A world in motion

You're out beyond the furthest Morning Star

Close enough to hold me in Your arms

Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry

My Adonai

You are the Maker of each moment

Father of my hope and freedom

Oh, my Adonai

One timid faithful knock

Resounds upon the Rock of Ages

One trembling heart and soul

Becomes a servant bold and courageous

You call across the mountains and the seas

I answer from the deepest part of me

Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry

My Adonai

You are the Maker of each moment

Father of my hope and freedom

Oh, my Adonai

From age to age you reign in Majesty

And today You're making miracles in me

Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry

My Adonai

You are the Maker of each moment

Father of my hope and freedom

Oh, my Adonai

The Names of God: Jehovah-LORD

Jehovah-LORD: "The Self-Existent One"

Exodus 3:14 KJV

And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you.

I think that there are several stages in a person's life when "Why" becomes their favorite question. I know my boys have certainly tested the limits of my patience with that question. And sometimes my favorite response is "Because I said so." And I imagine as they grow up and continue to test the boundaries their Daddy and I set for them, they'll continue to ask "Why" and my response will probably continue to be "Because I said so" or some variation. And as they continue to grow into adults and have disappointments and curiosities, they'll keep asking, and they may receive an answer and they may not. But eventually it's the "Whys" that drive us. They can drive us mad or they can drive us to action. They can drive us towards God or away from God. 

I've uttered the question in disbelief, I've screamed it in anger, I've groaned it in pain. And in those times the answer is the hardest to understand. Each and every time I have lost a baby, I've run the gauntlet of these emotions and I've wanted that one question answered.

This past week as I listened to a woman recount her friend's story of tragic stillbirth, I softly asked "Why Lord?" Why did He let her pregnancy reach 30 weeks and then call her baby girl home? Over the weekend I sobbed "Why Lord?" in crushed disappointment because I missed the birth of my first great-nephew. Why when He knew how much I wanted to be there for my niece did He keep me from her?  And as I sat tonight and heard a sweet friend confide in me her loss of a precious baby boy 11 years ago, I wondered "Why Lord?" Why has she had to carry the burden of this loss alone all these years? 

I think as a Christian the "Whys" are harder to deal with than any other question because we have to have faith that He has a perfect will for each and every one of us. It's not as simple as asking "Why does the Earth revolve around the Sun?" or "Why do earthquakes happen?" We can't just pull up Google and ask God why life happens the way that it does. But we can turn to His Word and find comfort. The great I AM sent me each and every one of my babies, just as He sent Moses to lead the children of Israel out of bondage. And when they fulfilled their earthly purpose He called my babies home again, just as He'll do with Kieran and Devlin when they fulfill their purpose for Him, just as He did with Moses, just as He does with us all. Each positive pregnancy test was not a promise of a life here on earth with that baby but an eternity spent worshiping my Jesus side by side with my baby. We are never promised eternal life here on earth but in a perfect Heaven with a perfect Father when we accept His perfect Gift.

We may never have an answer for our "Whys" here on this earth but we can have faith that the Self-Existent One, the great I AM, has a true and perfect answer.

The Eternal Life

(to the tune of Auld Lang Syne)

It singeth low in every heart,

We hear it each and all;

A song of those who answer not,

However we may call.

They throng the silence of the breast;

We see them as of yore;

The kind, the true, the brave, the sweet,

Who walk with us no more.

 ’Tis hard to take the burden up,

When these have laid it down;

They brightened all the joy of life,

They softened every frown.

But, Oh, ’tis good to think of them

When we are troubled sore;

Thanks be to God that such have been,

Though they are here no more.

 More home-like seems the vast unknown

Since they have entered there;

To follow them were not so hard,

Wherever they may fare.

They cannot be where God is not,

On any sea or shore;

Whate’er betides, Thy love abides,

Our God, forevermore.

When The Waiting Is Over

When the waiting is over the tiniest drop of hope that was in the deepest part of your heart disappears and disappointment takes its place. 

You would think after 3 weeks of waiting, that when I woke up to cramping and bleeding last Saturday morning, that I would be prepared for it. You would think I had been expecting it, would have been resigned to it, would have been relieved by it because at least that would mean the waiting was over. But you'd be wrong. 

I had built up this tiny drop of hope in the deepest part of my heart until it wasn't really so tiny anymore. I had nearly convinced myself that I was carrying a miracle baby, that the doctors and science were wrong this time, that the Lord wouldn't do this to me again. He couldn't. Could He? But He did. And there I found myself in a crumpled heap in the corner of the shower, mourning another lost baby, the crushing weight of disappointment taking my breath. 

Two-thirds. 66.666%. That is how many of my children are now in Heaven. I've become a pitiful statistic with no explanation and no understanding. I absolutely cannot fathom why the Lord saw fit to take yet another baby from my womb, leaving me empty, broken. 

There's no anger, no hatred, no bitterness in my heart towards my Savior. Only sadness and confusion, hurt. I was just so unprepared for this outcome. I read about Hannah and Samuel over and over again. I cried out, I pleaded, I begged. And I simply knew that my petition had been heard and would be answered with life. Instead the answer was death. 

And now, everyday I have to explain to my boys why there isn't a baby in Mommy's belly anymore. And if I thought that it was the waiting that was a cruel pain, well I was wrong. The cruelest pain is trying to answers their "why"s when I have no idea how. 

But the Lord works in mysterious ways, it's true. I opened the mail last Saturday evening to find a beautiful card from my Aunt Linda that read:

Life is always full of open and closed doors...

God knows what you are going through and will always be with you.

We don't always understand what God is doing in our lives,

but He has a purpose for it,

we just have to trust Him and He will get us through it.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

"The Lord is gracious, and full of compassion" Psalms 145:8

The card was postmarked 2 days before I woke up to the harsh reality of the miscarriage I had denied for so long. 

This week has been long and it has been hard. But I have kept busy and I've kept that scripture in my heart. The Lord knew just what I needed and He is gracious and He is full of compassion. I know this because even though they're little, my boys understand God's love. They tell me it's ok to cry and that they didn't want Jesus to take their baby back to Heaven either, but that their sister has a Father and His name is God. And that is a balm for my soul, knowing that they are learning, that their hearts are being prepared for Him.

I may never understand God's purpose but I have to trust that it is what is best and right for our family, that it will glorify and honor Him, and that one day my family will be reunited. So the disappointment has to go. Because truly, how can I be so disappointed and hurt when I know who is rocking my babies to sleep tonight, the Great I AM is. How can I be so disappointed when the angels are singing sweet lullabies to my tiny babies? How can I be so disappointed when my babies were loved more in their brief time inside my womb than some people can even fathom. It is the Creator of the universe who kisses their rosy cheeks each day and ruffles their blonde curls. 

I cannot be disappointed for He is gracious and full of compassion. 

5 Crowns of the Christian Life: The Crown of Glory

The Crown of Glory

1 Peter 5:1-4
1 The elders which are among you I exhort, who am also an elder, and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, and also a partaker of the glory that shall be revealed: 
2 Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight [thereof], not by constraint, but willingly; not for filthy lucre, but of a ready mind; 
3 Neither as being lords over [God's] heritage, but being ensamples to the flock. 
4 And when the chief Shepherd shall appear, ye shall receive a crown of glory that fadeth not away. 

The Pastor’s crown; it is given to the ministers who faithfully feed the flock of God and possibly includes all those who teach the Word of God in their respective ministries.

One of the greatest blessings about having children, is watching them learn about the Lord and His love for them. Seeing the smiles on their faces as they boldly and proudly proclaim that Jesus lives in their heart is one of the most joyous moments in a parent's life. To a child who is pure and innocent, there's no need to wonder about why they can't see Jesus because they can feel Him, they trust in Him, and they love Him. My boys are only 2.5 and 4 years old, and even though they don't quite understand what Salvation is, they are preparing their hearts for Him to move right in. But there was a time when I feared my boys would never know the truth of Jesus. 

One of the hardest things for me after Kieran was born was the worrying I did about how to teach Him about the Lord. Brandon and I were at odds over the ins and outs of religious doctrine and faith. For years there was painful tension anytime the Bible was brought up. So even though I went with him to "Bible study" with his family, I ignored what was being taught and I studied on my own. I hated getting into debates with him about doctrine and theory. We would just argue in circles, neither of us giving in. And we would finally just call it quits with "as long as you believe Jesus Christ died on the cross for your sins that's all that matters."  I never doubted Brandon's Salvation, just his upbringing. 

So for the whole first year of Kieran's life I worried. And I did my best to keep us out of "Bible study." I believe the Lord had a hand in Kieran's naptime being precisely when study began, and me being a vehement believer in never waking a sleeping baby. But I had no idea what the solution to the problem was. I was terrified that taking Kieran to church would mean the end of my marriage. So I didn't bring it up. I didn't talk about taking him to church, I didn't sing Jesus Loves Me to him, I didn't pray with him, I didn't teach him from the moment he was born about the Man who gave His life to save his. I failed Kieran. I failed him miserably because I was afraid of the fight it would be to take him to church. 

I will thank the Lord everyday from now until I die, that I never had to have that fight and that my boys never had to face a future without Jesus. Just after Kieran turned a year old, and I was 5 months pregnant with Devlin, God moved in such a mighty way in our lives. Within a week, our life had been completely transformed. Yes, we lost a lot in the transformation, but we gained so much more. My boys may have lost one set of grandparents but they have gained the chance to learn about and accept eternal life, a chance that they likely would not have had. 

It has been 3 years since we have rededicated our lives to the Lord. 3 years of being back in church, growing in the Lord, and living a Christian life. So many things have changed in the last 3 years. Brandon answered his call to preach and is preaching his first revival in less than a week. He is a Sunday school teacher and he sings in the choir. He founded Help The Hurt Ministry and supported me in starting this blog. Now the only argument we have about the Bible is who gets to lead the family devotion at bedtime. 

Not only do our boys now have parents united in a love for Jesus but they also have a whole host of extended church family. They are surrounded by people who love the Lord and who love them, who teach them and minister to them. They are excited to go to church, and not just for the snacks Nanna Sharon brings them in Sunday School. Devlin loves to sing about Calvary and even though Kieran is shy and won't stand up in front of the congregation to say his Bible verse, he is listening and paying attention while the Pastor preaches and he is learning. They have relationships within the church with strong Christian men and women that they never would have had if God had not moved and worked in such an astounding way. They have a relationship with their Nanna and Poppa that I am so thankful for. There is a bond and a love there that grows each and every day. They will never lack for love.

So I may be wrong but I do believe that Crown of Glory is not only given to the God called preachers who have faithfully served as Pastors but also to the “elders” in Christian life. The deacons, the Sunday School teachers, the Song leaders, missionaries, evangelists, young preachers who are doing a service each and every day for the Lord, the men and women that my boys look up to, learn from and love. I also believe this crown is for those Mommas and Daddys who may not hold a position in their church but who teach their children and nurture and raise them in the admonition of the Lord, who make the chaotic and stressful trip to church with infants and toddlers and sullen teenagers because it matters, because even at 3 months, 3 years, or 13 years they need Jesus to permeate their lives. For the grandparents who pray unceasingly for the lost and backslid in their families, who love the unlovable, and who teach simply by living for Jesus. For the older generation in the churches who are teaching the younger generations what hard work means, what faithful and long lasting marriages mean, what living a testimony for Christ means. 

Each and every one of us have a ministry in our lives and it is up to us to faithfully and intentionally live out Christ’s love for us for the world to see Him in us. As C.S. Lewis says, we must shine, not so that others can see us, but so that others can see Him in us.

  

5 Crowns of the Christian Life: The Crown of Righteousness

The Crown of Righteousness

2 Timothy 4:8
Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing. 

This crown is for those who look for the appearing of Christ, who anxiously await and look forward to the day when He will return for His saints. It is given to those who have lived a good and righteous life for God while here on this earth.

Before this past Christmas, I honestly did not know what Advent meant. I had seen DIY Advent Calendars on Pinterest, counting down the days until Christmas. But I didn't really think that is what Advent meant in the spiritual sense, little chocolates in calendar pockets. So I did a little bit of studying and learned that Advent is the preparation of our hearts for Christ’s coming. It is generally celebrated in the four weeks leading up to Christmas but truly Advent should be celebrated year round. We should continually be preparing our hearts for Him, looking for His coming, and love knowing that just any minute He could appear. We should be like kids waiting for Christmas morning.

There is an evangelist that Brandon and I like to listen to and one night on the way to church we were listening to him preach a message. In that message he told a story and it was so powerful and so convicting that I will never forget it. It went like this:

There was a man, a preacher, who went on a mission trip to Africa. He went with several other preachers and men of God, to preach the Gospel and spread Christ's love. After being there many days, they made one last stop before preparing to return home to the States. They stopped at an orphanage for mentally handicapped and disabled children, hoping to present the Word of God to them. The director led them on a tour of the home first, before meeting the children. The house was in immaculate condition, the men could've eaten breakfast right off the floor...except for one low corner window that faced the road in the front room of the house. Intrigued, one of the preachers asked the director why that window was so dirty, smudged and streaked with fingerprints, when the rest of the house was spic and span. She looked at him, and then looked at the children playing around them in the house and she told him that there was something that he needed to know. This group of missionaries he was with was not the first group of missionaries to pass by their little orphanage. Other men of God had been that way before and had told the children of a man named Jesus who loved them in spite of their imperfections, who loved them when they had been abandoned by everyone else, who loved them enough to shed His blood at Calvary for them and that He would return for them one day, to take them to an eternal home. The director looked from the children to the window and back to the men and told them that the window was so dirty because every morning after breakfast, those children crowded around that window, pressing their faces and hands to the glass, and they watched down the road for the man named Jesus who loved them enough to die for them. They waited and they watched for Him to come and take them home.

I can not think of a more beautiful description of what the receiver of the Crown of Righteousness looks like, lives like, loves like. Those precious children, whose minds weren't clouded and corrupted by the world, whose innocence was pure and sweet, they understood what so many of us can't. They understood that salvation is just that simple, that beautiful, that loving. They understood that all they needed to do was to believe that He had shed His blood just for them and believe that He would return for them one day. They believed so wholeheartedly that they sat, waiting and watching for Him every single day.

What have I done today? Have I thanked Him for His sacrifice for me, for my children, for the world around me? Have I shared His love with anyone today? Have I waited and watched for Him with the anticipation of a child on Christmas? Because what He did for me was a gift, a priceless gift. Do I cherish it enough to anxiously await His coming? 

I want to live my life in a season of continual Advent, preparing my heart for His return. I want to be there, with my face and hands pressed to the glass, anxiously awaiting Him when I hear that trumpet blow and I see Him step out on the clouds. I want to know that He has laid up for me in heaven a Crown of Righteousness.

5 Crowns of the Christian Life: The Crown of Life

The Crown of Life

James 1:12

12 Blessed [is] the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him. 

Revelation 2:8-11

8 And unto the angel of the church in Smyrna write; These things saith the first and the last, which was dead, and is alive; 

9 I know thy works, and tribulation, and poverty, (but thou art rich) and [I know] the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews, and are not, but [are] the synagogue of Satan. 

10 Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer: behold, the devil shall cast [some] of you into prison, that ye may be tried; and ye shall have tribulation ten days: be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life. 

11 He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; He that overcometh shall not be hurt of the second death. 

This crown is for those believers who endure trials, tribulations, and severe suffering, even unto death.

Our only purpose in this life is to point others towards Him, in every thing we do, in every season of life we are in, no matter what that may be. I cannot stress how important this is in our lives because you never know what the person beside you is dealing with every single day of their life. The trials, tribulations, and sufferings in one's life are not always in plain sight for all to see. More often than not the trials, tribulations, and sufferings in one's life are behind closed doors. We tend to keep our pain and shame hidden away. But all that does is eat at us like a sickness. It whittles us down until there is nothing left and life just does not feel worth living. So when we live Jesus for all to see, we are leaving behind a testimony, a little picture of the mercy and grace, hope and love that a life with Him brings. It will not be a life free from sorrow but it will be a life full of opportunities to bring your burdens to Him for comfort and relief. 

Did I ever think that losing my children would somehow bring gory and honor to my Savior? No I absolutely didn’t. But I never in a million years dreamed that I would have such a difficult time having and bearing children. Being a Momma had always been my dream. I loved babies, couldn't get enough of them, couldn't wait to get married and start my own family. I can remember each and every time I took a pregnancy test and it turned positive. 5 positives, 5 moments of thrilling joy.  And in each of those moments, I had only hope for a future with the precious baby in my womb. But life is not without sorrow. Yet it is in the midst of our sorrows that we are given the greatest opportunities to turn to our Savior, to leave only glory and honor for our Lord in sorrow's wake, not bitterness and resentment.

I never thought when I was in the midst of my first miscarriage, when I was burying my Lachlan, or when I looked at that ultrasound screen, just over a year ago expecting to see the flutter of a healthy heartbeat and instead saw black emptiness, that I would ever use my life, my loss, to tell others about Christ. 

But here I am and I have learned that earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal. And I can only hope and pray that I am doing good in the lives of others, that I am following His will and purpose, that somehow, somewhere in the lines of my blogs that I am pointing others to Jesus. Because if I am not it will be me, that has caused my loss to be for naught, to be in vain. Not Him.

I sometimes think of what it would have been like to have been blessed to be able to have all of my babies here with me on earth. I wonder what their personalities would have been like and whether they would take after me or Brandon. I dream of Christmas mornings and birthday parties. But I know that if I can endure the temptations and the sorrows of this life a little longer, that my Jesus will meet me in the clouds one bright and shinning day, with my babies by His riven side, and the Crown of Life in His nail scarred hands. 

~~~***~~~

Well Done My Child

I go winding my way to glory land, the home of the soul.
My life is filled with sorrow where I roam, where'er I roam
But when I enter the gates of gloryland which now is my goal
My Lord will say, "My child you're welcome home."

Well done my child, my Lord will say,
With courage bold you've stood for the right.
A crown of life you've won, "Well done my child."
He'll say that day like Paul of old, you've fought a good fight
"Well done my child, Well done my child, well done."

I'll meet my friends and my loved ones gone before in heaven's fair clime
Inside the gates they'll be to welcome me to welcome me;
Praise God my troubles and cares will then be o'er in glory sublime.
With them I'll live for all eternity, eternity.

Well done my child, my Lord will say,
With courage bold you've stood for the right.
A crown of life you've won, "Well done my child."
He'll say that day like Paul of old, you've fought a good fight
"Well done my child, Well done my child, well done."
I now am waiting and longing for the day when I shall arise,
And sail away across the ocean's foam, the ocean's foam;
I'll be so happy to hear my Savior in sweet paradise,
"Well done my child you now are welcome home, you're welcome home."

Well done my child, my Lord will say,
With courage bold you've stood for the right.
A crown of life you've won, "Well done my child."
He'll say that day like Paul of old, you've fought a good fight
"Well done my child, Well done my child, well done."