Psalms 139:7 KJV
Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
James 4:6 KJV
But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.
Hebrews 4:16 KJV
Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.
Shame says that because I am flawed, I am unacceptable. Grace says that though I am flawed, I am cherished.
It is so hard to believe that I was worth being cherished looking back at those years I was living out of the will of God. And to be honest, I wasn't. There wasn't a bone in my body worth being cherished. I was living in sin, never giving a thought to my Lord and Savior, except for the twinging in my heart when the Holy Ghost would whisper that I knew better than what I was doing. But I ignored it and went right on living my life the way I wanted to. But I couldn't hide from Him. The Psalmist asks where can I go from thy spirit? Where shall I flee from thy presence? And the answer is nowhere. Psalm 139:8 KJV
If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. I had certainly made my bed in hell and He saw my every move, my every sin...But He giveth more grace.
Grace...Approval, Favor, Mercy, Pardon, Privilege, Reprieve, Unmerited Divine Assistance. I cannot kid myself into believing that God found favor and approval in how I lived my life from 2005-2012, but because I had Christ as my Savior, my Mediator, I was covered by His grace. I had His pardon and reprieve for my sins. I was privileged to be shown mercy. I was given unmerited divine assistance when I couldn't even see that I needed it. He gave me grace in giving me blessings I didn't deserve and He gave me mercy is sparing me from the justice I did deserve.
It would be very easy for me to look back at those 7 years we were living out of the will of God and instead of seeing mercy and grace I could blame God for all the things we did suffer. I could blame God for our house burning down and losing everything but the clothes on our backs. I lost my wedding dress, our wedding pictures, the antique family cradle and crib I had just moved in and set up in preparation of starting a family, we lost every memento from our lives. I could say that the fire was punishment for our sins. But I see mercy because we kept our lives, I see grace because He gave us the means to be able to start over and buy a home, I see mercy and grace that there was not a baby already in that cradle upstairs where the fire started...But he giveth more grace.
Truthfully I did blame God when we lost Lachlan. I was overflowing with anger. My soul was black with sorrow and pain. And I lashed out at God. I screamed at Him inside my head while my heart was breaking, while the tears flowed unceasingly from my eyes. I absolutely couldn't understand a God who would take yet another baby from my womb. But even in my broken heart I knew it wasn't God's fault. I couldn't hate Him. I never uttered those words, never thought them. I wanted to say that losing my babies was the price of my sins but that isn't true. I know now that it was mercy and grace. Mercy in that He took my baby out of a pain filled world and took him to his heavenly home to be made perfect. Grace in that He let me have him long enough to feel him move within me, to love him intensely. Mercy in that I did not have to see my sweet baby boy suffer here in this world and grace that I know that I will hold him again one day in the presence of my Savior. Mercy and grace in that I have 2 beautiful baby boys, who I don't deserve, but I love and cherish immeasurably because of the struggle to have them...But he giveth more grace.
No I cannot blame God for the things that happened when we were living out of His will. And I cannot say that our life has been perfect since we have been back in church and in service for the Lord. Brandon was without a steady job for 8 months in 2013 and we are still suffering the effects of it. We had very little income. We sold many of our possessions to have money for gas and groceries. But instead of shouting at God and demanding to know why this had happened to us when we were doing our best to live according to His will and purpose we prayed. We went boldly unto the throne of grace, so that we might obtain mercy, and find grace to help us in our time of need. Was it easy to do? No. It was a struggle each and every day to remember to put our faith in God. Some days we succeeded and some days we didn't. But throughout the entire 8 months God showed us mercy and grace. Mercy in that we didn't lose our home because as sinners we deserved nothing less. Grace in that He provided us a family and a church that saw to our needs so that our boys never went without. Mercy and grace in Brandon finding a job that was exactly what he had always wanted, a job that is on 1st shift that enables him to go to church any night of the week he wants to and still be an amazing father...But he giveth more grace.
I have learned so many things in these last 2 years. I am closer now to God than I have ever been, so even though I have shame in the years I was away from Him, and I wasn't worth being cherished, He cherished me anyway. And I have learned, perhaps the hard way, that the will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.
But he giveth more grace.
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