Joshua 1:9 KJV
Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
1 Thessalonians 5:3 KJV
And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Isaiah 9:6 KJV
For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.
Philippians 4:7 KJV
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
We each have important dates in our lives. Our birthdays, our anniversaries, our children's birthdays, happy dates that we cherish. Then there are the days of sorrow, dates when our loved ones have passed away, dates on which we've suffered tragedies. I have several such dates in my life. Dates that mark important, life altering events in my life. And I have a date of peace. A date when the Lord whispered His sweet peace to my soul, April 17, 2013. It is no coincidence that April 17th also holds another significant place in my heart.
Every December 1st and April 17th I take flowers to my Lachlan's graveside. I take the flowers and I sit alone by the angel statue my Daddy placed there and I weep. I weep for the memories that I'll never have, I weep for the kisses I'll never place on his skinned knees, I weep for the empty arms that will never hold him again. And I pray. I pray that he knows that I would have loved him with every fiber of my being, no matter the disabilities he might have been born with. I pray that he knows that I have not forgotten him, that I see him in my heart running and playing and laughing with his brothers. And I pray that God heal my heart, that He forgive me my anger and my bitterness, and that he give me the peace that my soul desperately needs.
But what I didn't know, couldn't or perhaps wouldn't feel, was that each time I went to his graveside, my Lord was there with me to give me the strength and the courage I needed if I had only opened my heart to accept it. But for too long after I lost Lachlan, I shut Him out. I was buried too deep in my anger, sorrow, suffering and fear. And when Kieran was born and my arms were empty no longer and my heart had begun to feel life once again, I was a little less angry, a little less sorrowful, a little less fearful. But the suffering remained. I didn't have the peace I needed to end my suffering, to end the guilt and the grieving in my soul. And again when Devlin was born, my arms and my heart were fuller, the anger and the sorrow dissipating. But again the suffering remained.
We had been back in church for almost 4 months when Devlin was born. And I had felt more life and more joy in those 4 months than I had in years. My Lord was slowly but surely breaking down my barriers. Several times in the next year I found myself in the alter, crying out to God for forgiveness for the years spent living out of His will and for the anger and resentment that had built against Him in my heart. But there was one thing I hadn't learned: You will never truly find peace if you remain attached to the sin you've been forgiven of. I kept going back to that alter because I was still attached to what He'd forgiven me of before I had even uttered the words to ask. I was still attached to the guilt and grief of losing Lachlan, I was still attached to my anger at God because I still did not understand why He had taken my baby from me. And because I was still attached to those I could not find the peace I needed. The peace He wanted to give me.
The Prince of Peace desires to give me the Peace of God so that I can be made whole and preserved blameless until He comes for me. He desires to keep my heart and my mind, my body and my soul, peaceful so that I can be of service to Him. If I am wallowing in pity, in anger, sorrow, and doubt, how can I be of service to Him? I can't because I can't even be a service to myself.
Finally, on April 17th, 2013, I was given peace. I did something differently that day when I took the flowers to Lachlan's graveside. I cleaned the angel statue, I arranged the flowers, and I sat down with my Bible in my lap with my face turned toward the sun and I asked the Lord one final time to forgive me and to give me the peace I needed. And I let go. I didn't need to understand anymore why He had taken Lachlan from me, I needed only to know that he was with my Lord, in a perfect body, with a perfect mind, perfect sight, and perfect hearing. I needed only to know that he was walking the streets of gold with his Father. I needed only to know that one day he would call me Momma. And it was in that moment that it washed over me, His sweet peace, and it filled my soul to overflowing. It was in that moment that I finally understood. He had given me Lachlan so that I would know what love was, so that I would understand a little of what it felt like to lose my only son. He had given me Lachlan so that I could love Kieran and Devlin with a Christ-filled heart, so that I would protect them, so that I would lead them to Him so that my family could one day be made whole again. When He gave me Lachlan, He gave me love, and now He has given me peace.
Peace In The Valley
Oh well, I'm tired and so weary
But I must go alone
Till the lord comes and calls, calls me away, oh yes
Well the morning's so bright
And the lamp is alight
And the night, night is as black as the sea, oh yes
There will be peace in the valley for me, some day
There will be peace in the valley for me, oh Lord I pray
There'll be no sadness, no sorrow
No trouble, trouble I see
There will be peace in the valley for me, for me
Well the bear will be gentle
And the wolves will be tame
And the lion shall lay down by the lamb, oh yes
And the beasts from the wild
Shall be lit by a child
And I'll be changed, changed from this creature that I am, oh yes
There will be peace in the valley for me, some day
There will be peace in the valley for me, oh Lord I pray
There'll be no sadness, no sorrow
No trouble, trouble I see
There will be peace in the valley for me, for me
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