When The Waiting Is Over

When the waiting is over the tiniest drop of hope that was in the deepest part of your heart disappears and disappointment takes its place. 

You would think after 3 weeks of waiting, that when I woke up to cramping and bleeding last Saturday morning, that I would be prepared for it. You would think I had been expecting it, would have been resigned to it, would have been relieved by it because at least that would mean the waiting was over. But you'd be wrong. 

I had built up this tiny drop of hope in the deepest part of my heart until it wasn't really so tiny anymore. I had nearly convinced myself that I was carrying a miracle baby, that the doctors and science were wrong this time, that the Lord wouldn't do this to me again. He couldn't. Could He? But He did. And there I found myself in a crumpled heap in the corner of the shower, mourning another lost baby, the crushing weight of disappointment taking my breath. 

Two-thirds. 66.666%. That is how many of my children are now in Heaven. I've become a pitiful statistic with no explanation and no understanding. I absolutely cannot fathom why the Lord saw fit to take yet another baby from my womb, leaving me empty, broken. 

There's no anger, no hatred, no bitterness in my heart towards my Savior. Only sadness and confusion, hurt. I was just so unprepared for this outcome. I read about Hannah and Samuel over and over again. I cried out, I pleaded, I begged. And I simply knew that my petition had been heard and would be answered with life. Instead the answer was death. 

And now, everyday I have to explain to my boys why there isn't a baby in Mommy's belly anymore. And if I thought that it was the waiting that was a cruel pain, well I was wrong. The cruelest pain is trying to answers their "why"s when I have no idea how. 

But the Lord works in mysterious ways, it's true. I opened the mail last Saturday evening to find a beautiful card from my Aunt Linda that read:

Life is always full of open and closed doors...

God knows what you are going through and will always be with you.

We don't always understand what God is doing in our lives,

but He has a purpose for it,

we just have to trust Him and He will get us through it.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

"The Lord is gracious, and full of compassion" Psalms 145:8

The card was postmarked 2 days before I woke up to the harsh reality of the miscarriage I had denied for so long. 

This week has been long and it has been hard. But I have kept busy and I've kept that scripture in my heart. The Lord knew just what I needed and He is gracious and He is full of compassion. I know this because even though they're little, my boys understand God's love. They tell me it's ok to cry and that they didn't want Jesus to take their baby back to Heaven either, but that their sister has a Father and His name is God. And that is a balm for my soul, knowing that they are learning, that their hearts are being prepared for Him.

I may never understand God's purpose but I have to trust that it is what is best and right for our family, that it will glorify and honor Him, and that one day my family will be reunited. So the disappointment has to go. Because truly, how can I be so disappointed and hurt when I know who is rocking my babies to sleep tonight, the Great I AM is. How can I be so disappointed when the angels are singing sweet lullabies to my tiny babies? How can I be so disappointed when my babies were loved more in their brief time inside my womb than some people can even fathom. It is the Creator of the universe who kisses their rosy cheeks each day and ruffles their blonde curls. 

I cannot be disappointed for He is gracious and full of compassion. 

A Cruel Pain

A month ago yesterday I took a home pregnancy test on a whim. I was shocked and thrilled to see it was positive. I woke Brandon up to tell him and he was as stunned and excited as I was. And I tried to keep it a secret as long as I could...which ended up being less than 24 hours.  The boys saw the tests in the bathroom and were naturally curious and we were excited to tell them what the tests meant, that they were going to get a baby brother or sister. I took lots of pictures and video as we told them, their expressions and excitement was priceless. The picture above is what we used to announce the pregnancy to our family. We were on could nine. And then the bottom dropped out of the cloud. 

The last two weeks have been full of pain and confusion. I'm in limbo waiting for the miscarriage my doctors say is imminent. My hcg levels dropped out of sight and the pregnancy tests now read negative. It's a cruel pain, the waiting. Because in the waiting lives the tiniest drop of hope. Hope that the doctors are wrong, hope that despite what science says that my baby is alive and thriving, hope that if I can just endure a little longer I can ask for an ultrasound that will prove there is life blossoming in my womb. 

So here I sit...wondering, hoping, doubting, grieving.

My heart tells me that my God is all powerful, all knowing, and all consuming. He knows the truest desires of my heart, He hears me when I can't bear to utter a word, and He has the power to take this tiny bit of hope in the farthest corner of my heart and make it a reality. But then my mind takes over and I realize that I sound like a lunatic to most people. That my mind is probably compensating for my grief and twisting reality to enable me to cope without having a full on mental breakdown. I know I have scoured the internet enough for stories of healthy babies born in situations like mine to know that I probably am crazy.

But I've just realized that in these last weeks I've forgotten all that I learned about the 5 Crowns of the Christian Life and I've forgotten what it means to be a daughter of the King. 

A daughter of the King is known not by the crown she wears, but the message she bears.

We are women of beauty, women of grace, women of excellence, beholding God’s face. We walk with the Lord, with integrity, knowing our purpose and destiny. No matter what happens we walk in God’s love, reflecting the beauty of our Father above. 

So while I have driven myself to anxiety, worry, lunacy, and doubt, the devil has been creeping in, doing his ever-lovin' best to steal away the crowns I have been striving to achieve. Why would these crowns be of any importance to him? Because they not only represent a life lived for Christ, they are gifts to be given to my Savior. 

Revelation 4:10-11

10 The four and twenty elders fall down before him that sat on the throne, and worship him that liveth for ever and ever, and cast their crowns before the throne, saying, 11 Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.

I've been letting the devil steal all that I've worked for. And if I don't stop and take them back I'll be empty-handed at the feet of my Father. I'll have nothing to cast before His feet while I worship and praise Him.

So while the waiting is cruel and the unknown is frightening, I have to remember that no matter what the outcome is, my Jesus loves me. My Jesus loves me enough to have worn a crown of thorns so that I could one day be given the crowns of a Christian life.