Wisdom In The Face of Pain

Colossians 3:16 KJV
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.

I was able to visit my Papaw last week, just me and him.  During our visit I realized what an amazing life he has lived and how very little I know about it.  I realized that there is so much more to him than what I've known in my 27 years.  And I saw the toll the last few months have taken on him.  My Papaw is a hard working, rough around the edges, kind of man, who is extremely intelligent and a wealth of knowledge.  He is not the type to throw the word LOVE around loosely.  Usually when you tell him you love him, he'll ask you why.  That's just his way.  So if he does tell you he loves you too, you know he means it, you know it's from his heart.  The man I've come to know in the last few months, as he watched his wife of 54 years fade away in front of his eyes, is not the shell of the man that he used to be, as one might expect.  He is a man full of tenderness and love, wisdom and grace from the Lord.

How can a man who I've rarely heard speak of love, know so much about it, be able to show it so uninhibitedly? He has wisdom and grace from the Lord.  Only a man who knows Christ Jesus so intimately can care for his life long love so tenderly, instead of crying out bitterly to God asking why it had to be her.  I watched him hold my Mamaw's hand, wipe her fevered brow, blow kisses to her from across the room and comfort her when she was scared.  In her very last weeks my Mamaw did not even know her own children, much less her grandchildren, but she knew Honey.  If my Papaw got out of her sight, she immediately began to try to search him out.  She could barely move, barely speak, but somehow she'd form the word, Honey.  I saw the essence of 54 years of marriage and love before my very eyes.  He sat by her side, day in and day out.  There were times in the months leading up to the end when the dementia had not completely claimed her mind, when she couldn't always remember who Papaw was but he did not lose heart. Instead he became the man who would read to her, that's how she knew him.  Her mind wouldn't allow her to keep up with a novel, she would forget the storyline from one day to the next, so Papaw would read her the Bible.  Chapters and chapters at a time.  He told me they'd read it completely through during those months. It is amazing to me what grace can do.  She could not grasp anything else, but when he was reading the Bible and would come to an end for the day, she'd ask for more. Oh the joy to know that even if her mind didn't comprehend all of the words, her heart did.

He did what I have not been able to do during so many difficult times in my life.  He used such a time of suffering to draw even closer to the Lord.  And whether my Papaw knows it or not the Lord used him to teach me how to sing to the Lord with grace in my heart. How could I be bitter at the Lord for letting my Mamaw suffer with dementia when I saw it round those hard edges in Papaw away, when I saw it soften him and draw him closer to his family and to the Lord.  I must sing His praises with all the love and grace in my heart because not only do I know that my Mamaw is with Him, I know that one day she'll have us there with her, worshiping our Savior together.

Papaw's wisdom about life, about our Lord, his wisdom in the face of pain has taught me to draw nigh to the Lord, to praise Him when it hurts the most, and that even if we don't tell those around us that we love them, to show it in every way, every day.    

Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost but now am found,

Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.

And Grace, my fears relieved.

How precious did that Grace appear

The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares

I have already come;

'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far

and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.

His word my hope secures.

He will my shield and portion be,

As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,

And mortal life shall cease,

I shall possess within the veil,

A life of joy and peace.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,

And mortal life shall cease;

I shall profess, within the vail,

A life of joy and peace.

When we've been there forever more

Bright shining as the sun.

We've no less days to sing God's praise

Than when we've first begun.

Shining Through The Hurt

Isaiah 51:11 KJV

11 Therefore the redeemed of the Lord shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy shall be upon their head: they shall obtain gladness and joy; and sorrow and mourning shall flee away.

Isaiah 60:19-20 KJV
19 The sun shall be no more thy light by day; neither for brightness shall the moon give light unto thee: but the Lord shall be unto thee an everlasting light, and thy God thy glory.
20 Thy sun shall no more go down; neither shall thy moon withdraw itself: for the Lord shall be thine everlasting light, and the days of thy mourning shall be ended.

We have all been touched by death in some form or fashion.  And we have all reacted to that death in our own way.  Some are relieved, some un-phased, some are devastated, some sink into depression, some turn to God, many more turn from Him.  The older we get, the more death we encounter.  At 27 years old I have laid to rest an infant son, my darling Granpaw Deyton and most recently my beautiful Mamaw Westall.  At each of their deaths I was at a different stage in my life and reacted distinctively different.

On November 30th, 2009, you'd have been hard-pressed to have found a happier, more excited expectant mother.  After a miscarriage and 18 excruciating months of disappointment, I was finally going to be a Momma.  I was halfway through my pregnancy, had suffered very little morning sickness, no swelling, no complications whatsoever. Brandon and I sat in the waiting room of the doctor's office with our family anxiously awaiting our anatomy scan.  We were finding out the gender of our precious baby and I was on pins and needles.  My name was called and we all crowded into the small room, grins big, cameras in hand.  We were overwhelmingly unprepared for what followed.  It was as though I was in a fog, an utter daze.  My world had crashed down around me. Seven little words spoken softly by the doctor, screaming in my head. 

I'm so sorry. Your baby is dead.

It was a nightmare.  It had to be.  God couldn't be so cruel.  He couldn't give me my heart's one truest desire and then rip it so coldly, callously from me.  A loving God would never do such a thing.  The anger and despair welled up inside of me.  I turned from God so completely.  In my mind He had deserted me.  My heart, my life, was in a million pieces all around me and I hadn't the faintest clue how to begin picking up the pieces. The darkest time in my life followed.  When I should've been at the feet of my Lord and Savior, I was drowning my pain in a bottle.  When I should've been crying out for help, for understanding, for love and comfort, I was drinking myself into oblivion.  I couldn't see that the one thing I needed most was exactly what I was pushing away.

In January 2011, I was 9 months pregnant, and happier than I had been in a year.  The anger with God was fading but the hurt and the fear still ran deep.  It had been a long, hard, and at times scary, pregnancy.  At 19 weeks I had been put out on bedrest for my safety and the baby's.  I lived like a hermit.  The only place I went was my doctor's office and my parent's.  I went from my couch to theirs. But I was pregnant.  I was happy.  I was excited.  And I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It came just two weeks before I was scheduled for an induction. 

I was laying on the couch when my Momma walked through the door that day.  She sat down across the room and she quietly told me that my Grandpaw had passed away that morning.  He had been sick, we knew it was coming soon, but I still hadn't expected it.  I was filled instantly with remorse and regret and guilt.  I should have spent more time with him.  I should have listened more, loved more, learned more from him.  Sadness overwhelmed me.  He would never hold his great-grandson.  Never tell Kieran the same stories he'd told me.  Never walk through in the woods or take him for rides on the four-wheeler.  Never sing old George Jones songs to him.  I stood by his graveside and wept with sorrow for all the things that would never happen.  I should've been on my knees crying out to God and thanking Him for welcoming my Granpaw home, for ending his pain and suffering.  I should've been praying for comfort for my Granmaw, my uncles and my Daddy and thanking Him for all the love my Granpaw had given me. But I wasn't.  I was thinking only of myself.

The common thread in my reactions in losing my Lachlan and my Granpaw was that I was living out of the will of God.  My relationship with Him was in tatters.  I was further from Him than I had ever been and because of that I did not handle the loss the way I could have.  I did not shine through the hurt and be an example to those around me who did not know the Lord Jesus Christ as their Savior.  I had pushed His light and His glory away and because of that I was in darkness, blinded by mourning.

This past March my Mamaw went to be with Jesus.  She had been battling with dementia that had quickly gotten progressively worse and a bout with pnuemonia left her bedridden.  From February to March we saw the disease consume her.  She did not know my Papaw or her children, was not able to move or eat on her own, could barely talk, and in the last days, could not even wake up.  In the end her family was with her at home.  And the grace that God gave me is undeniable.  I was able to let go and to say goodbye, knowing that Jesus was holding her in His arms, knowing that her mind and body no longer held her prisoner.  I was able to thank the Lord for the time he had given me and my boys with her, I was able to thank Him for the memories I'll cherish in my heart. Christ brought me out of the darkness that I had slipped into so easily before.  He became my everlasting light and my joy and glory. I am able to look forward to that glorious day when I'll reunite with her and we'll worship at the feet of our Lord together. The days of my mourning have ended and fled from me. 

I do not always know the will of God and what it is for my life but I pray each and every day that He would lead, guide and direct my every step.  I feel Him in my life like I never have before.  

It has taken 4 years to be able to talk about Lachlan with a feeling of peace in my heart. The anger and hurt are gone.  I no longer feel like God was being cruel and callous in taking Lachlan to be with Him.  In fact I know that He was being merciful.  Lachlan would've been a very sick baby if he'd been born here instead of in heaven.  He would never have been able to run and play and laugh with his brothers.  In heaven he doesn't suffer from blindness, deafness, or mental handicaps.  He is pure and perfect in the sight of God.  And though I love him with every fiber of my being he is more loved in the arms of my sweet Jesus than I can even fathom. 

Through His light I see my Granpaw in my Daddy. I've never known a more hardworking man than my Granpaw was.  From daylight to dark, the man never slowed down, not even long enough for a decent visit. He'd make the 45 minute trip to our house, stay 30 minutes, and was ready to head home again.  But he came with candy in his pocket and left with youngins clinging to his pants legs.  My Daddy is so much like my Granpaw it's uncanny.  Daddy has literally worked until his knees have given out and when he comes for a visit, they're predictably short. And my Daddy is for my boys what my Granpaw was for me.  He tells them stories and sings them songs, they go for walks in the woods, and for rides on Granpaw's old four-wheeler.  My boys are my Daddy's shadow, just like I was my Granpaw's.  It's like looking back in time.  

My Momma is becoming more like my Mamaw every day, right down to the embroidery in her lap and the made from scratch cake on the kitchen table.  There was never anything I couldn't ask my Mamaw for that she wouldn't do her best to do for me, whether it was to make my favorite dessert, to dance to Elvis records or hem my wedding dress.  When I walked through the doors of her house I knew I was going to be greeted with a hug, a kiss, and a smile.  And when I left I got the same and she never failed to tell me that I was beautiful and that Jesus loved me.  My Momma is that for my boys.  She does for them when I can't.  My Momma would move mountains to make a way for my boys. 

My boys will not lack the love of my Granpaw or my Mamaw because it lives on in my parents.  And I am comforted in knowing that Lachlan is being showered with their love in heaven as the three of them walk on golden streets with my Savior.

I'm Free

(Author Unknown)

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free,

I'm following the path God laid for me.

I took his hand when I heard his call,

I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,

To laugh, to love, to work, to play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way,

I've found that peace at the close of the day.

If my parting has left a void,

Then fill it with remembered joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,

Ah yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow,

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My Life's been full, I savoured much,

Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch,

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,

Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your heart and share with me,

God wanted me now, He set me free.

Justified By Grace

 

Titus 3:3-7 KJV
3. For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, and hating one another.
4. But after that the kindess and love of God our Saviour toward man appeared.
5. Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost;
6. Which he shed on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Saviour;
7. That being justified by his grace, we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.

There is a misconception about Christians.  The world believes we are perfect, they hold us to a higher standard than they do themselves, and if we fall, if we stumble, we are mocked and ridiculed, denounced as hypocrites.  I have news for the world. I am not perfect.  My life is far from perfect.  I am guilty of each and every transgression listed in verse 3, past and present.  I am not sinless and without blame.  I cannot be as long as I am in this flesh body of mine.  However just because I know there was only one perfect flesh man to walk this earth does not mean that I shouldn't strive to be as much like Jesus as possible.  I must hold myself to a higher standard.  I must make my life a testimony to my Savior.  And, inevitably when I fall, there is grace.  It is not by my works in this life that I am saved, nor is it by my works that I keep myself saved.  It is by His mercy.  Mercy that He gave abundantly, so that I might be justified by His grace to be made an heir to the throne of heaven.

It doesn't matter what our past holds.  The moment we accept Christ Jesus as our Savior and ask forgiveness of those sins, they are cast into the sea of forgetfulness. 

Micah 7:18-19 KJV
18. Who is a God like unto thee, that pardoneth iniquity, and passeth by the transgression of the remnant of his heritage? he retaineth not his anger for ever, because he delighteth in mercy.
19. He will turn again, he will have compassion upon us; he will subdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea.

Before we can begin to see the cross as something done for us, we have to see it as something done by us.--John R. W. Stott 
I have heard it said that the Jews murdered Jesus, that Satan had Him crucified, that He was forced on the cross like the common thieves He hung between.  No.  Absolutely wrong.  Jesus willingly laid down His life to buy our pardon.  Our sins made it necessary. We owed a sin debt we are incapable of paying.  But He had compassion on us.  Mercy. Grace. He gave His life so that we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.  Joint heirs.  

Romans 8:16-17 KJV
16. The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:
17. And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

The magnitude of His suffering on the cross cannot be equated to the sufferings we face in this life.  They are unbearable to us, seemingly unending at times, yet a pittance in comparison to His crucifixion.  Or even what we faced had He not given Himself as sacrifice to us.  The fires of hell truly are unbearable and unending.  Yet due to His suffering we become joint heirs to a heavenly kingdom and the throne of God.    

Suddenly my past sins, my present trials and tribulations pale, and my future as a child of God is brilliant and vibrant.  No matter what this life holds, no matter what the world thinks of me as a Christian, I know that because of my acceptance of Christ Jesus that I am a child of God and I have a priceless inheritance awaiting me.  I am justified by Grace.

The New Man

Galatians 2:20 KJV
I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me. 

The boy I met in 2005 is not the man I married in 2007.  The man I am married to today is not the man I married in 2007.  Yesterday Brandon and I celebrated 9 years together. Confused? I know.  Brandon is the boy I met in 2005, married in 2007, and is still the man I am married to today.  But his personality and demeanor, his actions and the way he conducts himself, his very core is completely different. Does a leopard change its spots? Not on his own. But the Lord can change his spots for him.

In April 2005 Brandon was 17.  He was carefree, funny, outgoing.  You couldn't help but love him.  He was hardworking and far more mature than other boys his age. And he liked to hunt and fish, which made him Chuck Deyton approved.  I was head over heels. You couldn't separate us.  We spent every waking minute we had free together.  I didn't want to be anywhere else.  I came home after our first kiss and told my Momma he was the one I was going to marry.  And I did.

In May 2007 when he was 19 and I was 20 we got married.  He was still everything he was at 17 but a little darkness had started to creep in. He had grown up in a family where alcohol and drinking was normal, the polar opposite of my upbringing.  Newly married and living on our own, although we were underage, alcohol was suddenly accessible and we availed ourselves of it.  It started out minimally but gradually progressed into drinking every night. 

By 2011 we had lost our first home and possessions in a fire, we had miscarried our first pregnancy, we had buried our firstborn son, we bought a house, I had lost my job, and I had given birth to our second son and was pregnant with our third.  The loss we had suffered and the darkness we had seen in those 5 years had taken their toll on us emotionally.  The alcohol only exacerbated our problems and misery. When we lost Lachlan in December of 2010, something in me broke. I turned from God and began drinking heavily to numb the unending pain. After finding myself with a razor blade in one hand and a fifth of liquor in the other, sitting on the side of our bathtub, trying to find a reason to live, I decided something had to change.  I had to quit drinking and I wanted Brandon to quit with me.  He was harder to convince. Always in the back of my mind had been this nagging reminder from the Holy Ghost that drinking alcohol went against my raising. I couldn't ignore it any longer.  I had seen the effects of it and they were ugly.  Brandon went one of two ways when he was drinking and it depended on what his poison was.  If he was having beer, he was funny, loving, talkative.  If it was liquor, he was mean, easily agitated, and wanted to fight.  He wasn't the boy I met and fell in love with when alcohol was involved.  After one particularly rowdy New Year's Eve party he promised to quit drinking for good.  I was 35 weeks pregnant with Kieran and on bedrest.  I could deliver at any time and I needed him to be sober.  He held true to his word for 5 months, the longest he had been sober since we had been married.  Then again it started slow, a 6 pack on the weekend with his family, but it quickly progressed into all night binges.  I cannot tell you how many times in the next year he quit, poured out all the alcohol in the house and promised to stay sober, only to fall off the wagon again.  He couldn't do it himself and I couldn't do it for him.  He was losing himself.  We were losing each other.  

I began getting increasingly frustrated and upset with him after Kieran was born because I did not want my baby exposed to that kind of lifestyle.  I had not grown up with drunk adults staggering around, loud music blaring, cussing and partying into the wee hours of the night.  I didn't want my boys raised like that.  The turning point came in February 2012.  After an explosive, alcohol driven argument with his parents, the Lord spoke to Brandon.  We had not been to church in 7 years.  Brandon hadn't been raised in church like I had been, it wasn't a part of who he was.  But he came home the night after the fight with his parents and announced that we were going to church come Sunday.  I was floored.  That had been the last thing I had expected to come out of his mouth.  But sure enough, Sunday rolled around and we were in church. 

The change that took place in him over the coming months could really be described as miraculous.  He stopped drinking.  He had done it a hundred times before but this time was different.  This time he wanted to.  This time he had the Lord's help.  He quit dipping tobacco, he quit cussing.  He actually wanted to go to church.  He wanted to read his Bible.  He began praying and developed a relationship with the Lord that was astounding.  The Lord called him to preach in August of 2012.  And there was no doubt in my mind that the Lord had placed that calling on his life because I had seen the metamorphosis take place.  He was night and day from the man he had been only months before. 

I read Galatians 2:20 and I think of Brandon.  Paul said he was crucified with Christ. Literally the old Saul had died and Paul had been born. He was a new man.  It was Christ that was alive in him now. Brandon lives now by the faith of the Son of God each and every day. Brandon did not make the changes in his life alone and he doesn't keep himself changed.  His faith in the Lord does.  It took the hand of God to turn his life around.  If he had not heeded God's voice when he did, he would have lost his me and his boys, he would have lost his life, I have no doubt.  The Lord did such a work in Brandon that he does not even have a craving for alcohol anymore.  He craves the Lord instead.

The man I am married to today is an amazing father and husband.  He is kind, loving, attentive, caring.  He plays with our boys and he didn't do that before.  He talks to me about our life and our Lord and he didn't do that before.  He prays with us as we tuck our boys into bed at night and he didn't do that before.  The man I am married to today is a blossoming young preacher with a call to evangelism.  He is on fire for God and His Word and he has a passion I've never seen in him before.  He has a burden to help those that are hurting like we have hurt.  The man I am married to today is a changed man, a new man and I cannot thank the Lord enough for what he has done in our lives and for our boys because they will never have to know the man their Daddy was before.  

Because He Lives

Job 19:25 KJV

For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth:

Matthew 28:6 KJV

He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.

Matthew 28:18-20 KJV

18. And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth.

19. Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:

20. Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.

Because He Lives

God sent his son

They called him Jesus

He came to love

Heal and forgive

He lived and died

To buy my pardon

An empty grave

Is there to prove

My Savior lives

Because He lives

I can face tomorrow

Because He lives

All fear is gone

Because I know

He holds the future

And life is worth the living

Just because He lives

How sweet to hold

A newborn baby

And feel the pride

And joy he gives

But greater still

The calm assurance

This child can face

Uncertain days

Just Because He lives

And then one day

I'll cross the river

I'll fight life's final war with pain

And then as death

Gives way to victory

I'll see the lights

Of glory and

I'll know He lives

That scripture and that song just do something for my soul.  I feel like the Glory could fall right here in my living room while Brandon and the boys are sound asleep.  If I don't type another word or bless another soul with this post, other than mine, well, it was worth it.  How often I forget that just because He lives, my life is worth living.  How often I forget that I can face tomorrow, that my fear is gone, just because He lives.  I let myself get caught up in life and all it's worry and I forget what makes it all worth it. There have been days in the not so distant past when I have been so low, so deep in my misery, that I couldn't see His light.  Not because it wasn't there, He said He'd be with me always, but because I had my eyes squeezed so tightly shut I couldn't see Him.  All I had to do was remember that He lives.  I may not know what tomorrow holds but I can face tomorrow because I know who holds tomorrow.

Two of the happiest days in my life have been the days my boys were born.  To hold a tiny newborn baby, one you've prayed for, one you've longed for, overwhelms you with emotion.  But greater than that happiness, that excitement, is the calm and trust in The Lord in knowing that because He lives, that baby will be loved, be blessed, and be able to face the uncertain days of the future.  As a Momma, knowing that there is Someone who loves my boys even more than I do, that there is Someone who has already given His life for them, is a feeling I can't describe.  It's almost unfathomable that it's even possible and yet I know it is because He lives.  

Yesterday was Lachlan's due date.  He would've been 4 years old.  I still miss him and I still cry.  My arms still ache to hold him.  I still think of him and how things might have been.  But I know that when my life here is done and I cross that river, when I see the lights of glory, that my sweet baby boy will be there waiting for me and his family.  I know that my sadness, my sorrow and my tears will be gone and my family will be whole because He lives. Because He lives I can fight the war with pain and grief.  Because He lives, I know I have something far greater than this life could ever offer to look forward to.  Because He lives, I have peace.

His Shoulders

Deuteronomy 33:12 KJV
And of Benjamin he said, The beloved of the Lord shall dwell in safety by him; and the Lord shall cover him all the day long, and he shall dwell between his shoulders.

This scripture paints the perfect picture of a father and his child.  As a little girl, there was no one in the world like my Daddy.  There is an old song that I love so much called Daddy's Hands and it perfectly describes my Daddy.

I remember Daddy´s hands, folded silently in prayer.
And reaching out to hold me, when I had a nightmare.
You could read quite a story, in the callouses and lines.
Years of work and worry had left their mark behind. 
I remember Daddy´s hands, how they held my Momma tight,
And patted my back, for something done right.
There are things that I´ve forgotten, that I loved about the man,
But I´ll always remember the love in Daddy´s hands.

Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´.
Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong.
Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle 
But I´ve come to understand.
There was always love in Daddy´s hands.

I remember Daddy´s hands, working 'til they bled.
Sacrificed unselfishly, just to keep us all fed.
If I could do things over, I´d live my life again.
And never take for granted the love in Daddy´s hands.

Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´.
Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong.
Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle 
But I´ve come to understand.
There was always love in Daddy´s hands.

I am so thankful for my Daddy and his love for me and my boys.  They love their Poppa to pieces and they respect him and learn from him just as they do their own Daddy. They know that there are two of the most wonderful men in their lives whose safety they can dwell in and whose shoulders they can rest between.  They know their Poppa and Daddy love them because they can feel it, because they see it.  

And what we are trying to teach them by raising them in church is that there is a third man who loves them even more than Daddy and Poppa ever could. Jesus. At 3 years old and almost 2 they know how to pray, they can say their Bible verses, they look forward to Sunday School and they can pretend preach like nobody's business.  We are preparing their hearts so that when Jesus calls on them, they'll not hesitate to accept Him as Savior, they'll not hesitate to rest between His shoulders.

He gave His life for me, for my boys, for you.  He was an innocent man, perfection in flesh, accused and betrayed by His own people, sentenced to die a criminal's death. 

As an adult reading about the crucifixion in the Gospels has opened my eyes to things I'd never really comprehended before.  Once condemned by the people Pilate had Jesus scourged in hope that it would appease the riotous crowd, Matthew 27:26.  Scourged.  I didn't know exactly what that meant so I looked it up and it gave me chills. It was a beating that left Him mutilated, extremely weak, near death. The scourging was a whipping with a leather whip with sharp pieces of bone and metal embedded in its thongs.  And still they were not satisfied.

They mocked Him and they spit upon Him while they readied Him to be crucified.  As He carried His cross to Golgotha, they gave to Him wine mingled with myrrh, a stupefying drink sometimes given to those in great pain and suffering, Mark 15:23.  A drink which He refused.  I wasn't aware of the significance of this until later in the scripture.

The Gospels do not give a detailed account of Jesus being crucified, only that He was. Psalms 22:14-17 however paints a vivid and painful picture.

14. I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint: my heart is like wax; it is melted in the midst of my bowels.

15. My strength is dried up like a postsherd; and my tongue cleaveth to my jaws; and thou hast brought me into the dust of death.

16. For dogs have compassed me: the assembly of the wicked have inclosed me: they pierced my hands and my feet.

17. I may tell all my bones: they look and stare upon me.

So completely spent was Jesus from the scourging and carrying the cross to Golgotha, that he felt as if He were water poured out on the earth.  As if distended upon a rack, the process of crucifixion had undoubtedly stretched His body out of recognizable human shape.  Christ likens Himself to a piece of broken pottery that has been fired in a kiln so that every drop of moisture has been driven out of the clay.  He suffers tormenting thirst, so much so that He cries out, and they bring Him vinegar, not water, to drink. His hands and feet were pierced, nailing Him to that cross.  So emaciated was He hanging on the cross that you could count His bones.

And yet all the while He hung on that cross, between the two thieves, He was thinking of you and I.  Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. Luke 23:34.  Already He was begging for the forgiveness of our sins.  Thus the reason he didn't drink the wine and myrrh mixture.  It would've numbed Him and He wanted to be in complete control of His senses.  The pain He felt would've been unbearable and yet He never cried out for the drug.

As Christ hangs on the cross between the two thieves, we see something amazing happen.  Both thieves openly reviled Him and mocked Him and yet in Luke 23:39-43 we see a transformation take place in one of them.  That thief saw the justice of his own punishment, the innocence of Christ, believed He is the Savior, believed He would resurrect and asks Christ to remember him when He enters into His kingdom. It was that simple and that easy for grace to happen. He accepted Christ and Christ welcomed him into paradise.

In John 19:25-27 we see a third act of mercy and grace before Christ gives up the ghost making the ultimate sacrifice and greatest show of love ever made.  

25. Now there stood by the cross of Jesus his mother and his mother's sister, Mary the wife of Cleophas, and Mary Magdalene.

26. When Jesus therefore saw his mother, and the disciple standing by, whom he loved, he saith unto his mother, Woman, behold thy son!

27. Then saith he to the disciple, Behold thy mother! And from that hour that disciple took her unto his own home.

Jesus sees His Momma standing there in the crowd, witnessing all the horrible, torturous things done to Him.  This woman carried Him in her womb, delivered Him, nursed Him, raised Him.  He was as much hers as my boys are mine and there she stood watching Him hang on a cross for the sins of men who mocked Him, betrayed Him, and hated Him.  He saw her and loved her and told John to take her from there and care for her.  What amazing love.

In John 19:30 after receiving the vinegar to fulfill the last of the prophecies, He says It is finished, bows His head and gives up the ghost.

Christ crucified.  Love personified.  Sins forgotten. Life eternal.

Because of Christ's love for us, I can understand my Daddy's love for me, my boys can understand Brandon's love for them.  Christ's arms were outstretched on that cross to create the resting place for us on His shoulders.  Christ walked that long, lonely road so that we don't have to.

Faith and Sufferings

Romans 8:18 KJV
For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

In my 27 years I have seen more suffering than some but far less than others.  Brandon and I have lost our home and all our worldly possessions in a house fire, we have had 2 miscarriages and buried a son, we have lost family because of our faith, we went 8 months with very little to no income, nearly lost our home, and experienced utter financial ruin.  But Paul tells me in Romans that the sufferings of my present time are not worthy to be compared to the glory that shall be revealed.  I need not dwell on the trials I have suffered here in this world because if I did I would be a miserable mess.  My faith tells me that I have so much more to look forward to.

1 Peter 1:3-13 tells us about the glory that will be revealed unto us.  Verse 4 tells us of an incorruptible and undefiled inheritance that is reserved just for us and it cannot fade away. Verse 5 tells us we are kept by the power of God through faith.  Once we've accepted Christ as our Savior we fall under his protection.  We are His. But like gold, our faith must be tried by fire because it is much more precious, more valuable than gold is. Our faith  brings praise, glory and honor unto Jesus so we must rejoice even in our heaviest seasons.

Faith and sufferings go hand in hand.  We cannot have one without the other.  Our faith would be superficial if we never had a trial or tribulation to be faithful through.  Our sufferings would be unbearable and all consuming without our faith to see us through. 

But it is not all for naught.  

1 Peter 1:9 KJV
Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls.

If we received nothing else at the end of our course except for the salvation of our souls we have received the most priceless gift of all.  Because of our faith we have the one thing that even the prophets and angels have desired and haven't known.  The prophets absolutely believed in the coming of the Messiah and the grace he would bring with Him but they never saw it fulfilled the way we have in the Gospels.  You want to talk about faith, they had it.  Believing and rejoicing in Him with unspeakable joy and glory and yet never having known Christ and His sacrifice.  And the angels.  Can you imagine looking upon Him and yet not knowing and receiving the love and mercy and grace that He holds for us? 

Yes, though our faith be tried by fire, though we may have sufferings here on earth, it cannot compare to the glory that will be revealed in us.

There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind. --C.S. Lewis

A Mother's Love

1 John 4:7-10 KJV
7.  Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.
8.  He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.
9.  In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.
10. Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

There are very few people on this earth I would die for and none I'd give my sons' lives to save. That is the very honest, very blunt truth.  

I have often thought that the only love we can truly comprehend and compare to Christ's love is a mother's love.  And a mother's love is not something you can truly experience until you become a mother. I had no idea what my Momma felt each time she saw me hurt, sick, or afraid until my boys were born. Every tear, every skinned knee, every nightmare is felt to your core. Paranoid, overprotective, smothering...I may have been called these a time or 2 in my mission to keep them out of harm's way.  But it is an instinct you can't override.  It's there and you can't ignore it. I had no idea what my Momma felt when she saw my tears of joy, when she saw me succeed, when she saw me just plain ole' happy...until my boys were born. When my boys are happy, I am happy. When my boys are excited, I am excited.  I go out of my way to make them giggle because it is such a beautiful sound.  From the moment I knew they were growing in my womb they became my world.  I loved them.  Undeniably. Irrevocably.  Immeasurably. Not because they loved me, not because I deserved to be loved, but because they were mine, they were wanted, they were pure and perfect.  

As deep and profound as a mother's love is, Christ's is greater still.

God sent His one and only Son to pay our ransom.  His one and only Son came willingly to shed His blood for us.  Not because we loved Him, not because we deserved to be loved, but because we are His, we are wanted, we are washed as pure and perfectly white as the snow by His crimson blood.

I cannot comprehend how deep the Father's love for us is that he should give His only Son to die upon a cross for our sins.  I cannot comprehend Christ's love for us that He should willingly leave His throne in heaven to die upon a cross for our iniquities.  As a Momma I cannot fathom sending my sons to die for another's transgressions.  And yet I don't have to comprehend His love to receive it.  I must simply accept it.  God is love. And I know how very thankful I am that Christ came, died, and rose again.  I am saved by His mercy and grace and I know that because of His love that He will save my sons one day.  My duty as their Momma is to raise them in His will, to know Him and to love Him, so that when the Holy Ghost conviction falls upon them, that they'll not hesitate to surrender and accept Him as their Savior. And the assurance I have in my heart that He will save them is as strong as my mother's instinct to shield them from harm.

How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure.  That He should give His only Son, to make a wretch His treasure.

Healed By His Stripes

Isaiah 53:3-6
3.  He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him: he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4.  Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.
5.  But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
6.  All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.

When you're in the midst of sorrow and grief it can seem impossible to feel anything but your pain.  When I lost Lachlan, the pain and grief and sorrow were the only things I understood.  I didn't know why my baby had died. I didn't understand God's will or purpose.  I was filled with anger and hurt.  He knew how much I wanted a baby, that it was all I had ever dreamed of. I had suffered one miscarriage and then endured 18 long months before we conceived again.  For months I didn't pray and we weren't in church at the time so I didn't seek Him out to worship either. God was the last one I wanted to turn to for comfort.  Not until I found out I was pregnant again 6 months later did the ice around my heart finally begin to thaw, little by little.  With each week of my pregnancy a little more ice fell away from my heart.  And when my precious Kieran was born, my heart began to beat again, and I thanked the Lord for my beautiful son.  

The hurt wasn't gone but I could finally turn to God for comfort.

And now I ask myself why did I wait so long?  When I read these verses in Isaiah I realize just exactly what I did in those 6 months I turned away from God.  I despised and rejected Him, just as He had been by the very ones He came to save.  He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. Who better to turn to in my sorrow than Him? Yet I hid my face from Him and esteemed Him not.  He bore my griefs and and carried my sorrows and I was an ungrateful wretch. I went astray and turned to my own ways, forgetting the Lord hath laid on Him the iniquity of us all.

No matter how great my sorrow was, no matter how grave the situation, it couldn't compare to what He suffered for me. And that is what I failed to remember.  My trials and tribulations here on earth, my sufferings, are nothing in comparison to the horror and misery of the hell He saved my soul from.  

He took my sin upon Him while He hung on that cross.  He took your sin upon Him and those of His rejecters.  He was wounded for our transgressions and bruised for our iniquities, so that by His stripes we might be healed.  All I had to do in my sorrow was to turn to Him, to remember the sacrifice He made for me.  If I had prayed, if I had turned to my Bible for answers in my grief, I would have remembered just exactly what He did for me on that cross and just exactly what is waiting for me in heaven as a child of the King.  

Jesus meets us where we are, if we but call upon Him, but He does not leave us where He finds us.

Strength

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 KJV

9.   And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.  Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

10.  Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

How far can our own strength take us?  People say that in a burst of adrenaline we can do amazing things, abnormal feats of strength, like a mother lifting a car off of her child.  Each one of us has differing amounts of strength.  My husband is capable of lifting hundreds of pounds at a single time.  I am capable of carrying around a 30 pound toddler all day.  Differing strengths, differing purposes.  We must have physical strength to endure this life.  But what of our spiritual strength?  In 2 Corinthians chapter 12 we read of the thorn in Paul’s flesh.  3 times he asked the Lord to remove it from his flesh.  The Lord’s reply?  My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.  His strength is made perfect in our weakness.  When we are at our lowest, spiritually and physically, His strength is made perfect.

In May of 1940 in the Netherlands, terror struck.  The German Blitzkrieg ran through the country and within months the “Nazification” of the Dutch people began and lives were forever changed.  48 year old watchmaker, Corrie ten Boom, found herself in the midst of the Holocaust.  She lived with her 80 year old father and together with other members of their family, they led the Dutch Resistance against the Nazis.  Corrie was a devoutly religious woman who had established a youth club for teenage girls in her community, teaching them of God and his love and forgiveness. She knew she must do whatever she could to help the Jewish people.  A secret room was built into Corrie’s bedroom above her father’s watch shop, behind a false wall.  It was no bigger than a small closet but could hold 6 people standing upright.  Numerous people moved in and out of the Beje house in Haarlem.  Some would stay only hours, others days, while new “safe houses” were located.  The entire ten Boom family risked their lives day in and day out to help these people.  In February of 1944, a fellow Dutchman informed the Gestapo of the ten Booms activities.  The Gestapo raided the house and kept it under surveillance.  35 people, including all of the ten Boom family, were arrested.  However, though the whole house was thoroughly searched, the 6 Jews concealed in the hiding place in Corrie’s room were not found.  They were rescued nearly 3 days later.  It is estimated that the ten Booms and the others in the Dutch Resistance saved the lives of 800 Jewish people.   Corrie and her family were taken prisoners and held captive in Nazi concentration camps.  Her father died 12 days after being captured.  She and her 59 year old sister Betsie, were moved in and out of 3 concentration camps in just 10 months, the final being Ravensbruck.  Corrie and Betsie faced unspeakable horrors within this concentration camp.  Women were starved, beaten, gassed, and tortured to death.  Barracks that were built to hold 400 women, held 1400, making living conditions worse than deplorable.  And yet through it all, Corrie and Betsie remained faithful, witnessing to the women they were imprisoned with using a smuggled Bible.  Many women were led to Christ in this nightmarish place.  Betsie died behind the walls of Ravensbruck.  Corrie lost her entire family to the Nazis.  It is said that she was released due to a clerical error, just 1 week before all the women her age in Ravensbruck were executed, proving Christ can use even paperwork as a catalyst to see His will accomplished.  Corrie went on to begin a worldwide ministry that took her to 60 different countries, telling her story, and praising God and telling of his love and forgiveness.  She never became bitter about her loss and her time in the concentration camps.  She praised Him and thanked Him under such horrific conditions.  Even thanking Him for the fleas in the barracks that kept the guards away while she read from her Bible and witnessed to the other women.  She did just as Paul said to do, she gloried in her infirmities so that the power of Christ could rest upon her. 

Suddenly our infirmities, our weaknesses, our ailments, seem very miniscule.  Corrie, like Paul, turned to God during her greatest time of weakness and struggle and He made her strong.  His strength became hers and she survived. 

We may not always understand our trials and tribulations.  We may not always understand how God’s will is being done.  But we must remember,

“There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still.” Corrie ten Boom

We must take pleasure in our infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake.  For when we are weak, then are we strong in Christ.

The Perfecter of Our Faith

Hebrews 12:1-3 KJV
1. Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,
2. Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.
3. For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.

Faith.  What is it?  Have we got it? Where do we get it?  Do we need it?  How do we keep it?

Hebrews 11:1 tells us that Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. The essence of faith consists in believing and receiving what God has revealed to us in His Holy Word.  It is such a simple concept. 

But we have faith in every one other than who we ought to, Christ.  If our Pastor, our spouse, our parent tells us something, most likely we’ll believe it.  Whether we’ve got tangible proof or hard evidence of it often doesn’t matter.  We trust the person so we have faith that what they are telling us is true.  We believe it and receive it. Worry, anxiety, doubt, these are my Achilles heel.  They put my faith into a tailspin every time I’m faced with a new hardship.  Why? Because I don’t look to Jesus in faith when faced with my problems.  I want to talk about them more than I want to pray about them.  I want to call Brandon or my Momma first when what I need to be doing is turning to God for my comfort and my answers. 

Verse 2 of Hebrews chapter 12 tells us that Jesus is the author and the finisher of our faith.  I moseyed on over to dictionary.com and looked up the definitions of author and finisher. An author is the maker of anything, the creator, the originator.  Finisher means to complete and to perfect in detail.  I’ll let that sink in a minute and you’ll be shoutin’ just like I was.  When faced with anything in our lives we are to look unto Jesus who is the creator and originator of our faith and who will complete it and perfect it in detail. Christ is where we get our faith.

Do we really need faith?  If the definition of faith means that it exists whether we can see it or not, why should we worry about having it?  Hebrews chapter 11 not only tells us what faith is but it gives many examples of the great heroes of faith in the Bible and their acts of faith.  In verses 5 and 6 we read about Enoch.

Hebrews 11:5-6 KJV
5. By faith Enoch was translated that he should not see death; and was not found, because God had translated him: for before his translation he had this testimony, that he pleased God.
6. But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

I want nothing more in this life than to bring glory and honor to my Savior so that I may please Him.  I cannot do this without faith.  He tells us plainly that without faith it is impossible to please Him.  Enoch so pleased Him that he walked with God and did not see death.  God took him to be with Him in heaven because of his testimony.  Can we aspire to the same? 

Now that we understand what faith is, that we have a definite lack of it, where to get it, and that we most certainly need it, how do we keep it?  First we must lay aside every weight and set aside the sin that doth so easily beset us as Hebrews 12:1 tells us.  Then in verse 3 we are told that when we are wearied and faint in our minds to consider Him. Consider what of Him? Consider what he endured for you and me.  He endured the cross, despising the shame and the contraction of the sin against His perfect self, and is set down at that right hand of the throne of God.  John 10:15 and 18 tell us that He willingly laid down His life for us so that we should have eternal life through Him.  Let no man deceive you into thinking that he was forced onto that cross.  He was a willing sacrifice, taking all the sin and depravity of the world into Himself, to become our Intercessor.  

If we cannot have faith in Him, how can we have faith in anyone?

The Good Shepherd

John 10:10 KJV

The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

A thief uses the necessary tools to get the job done quickly and effectively.  Professional thieves spend time in preparation learning and scoping out the mark and location, learning their habits, finding their weakest points.  They want to be prepared for any eventuality.  They lay in wait until the timing is perfect.  And then they strike. 

Satan is a thief.  He comes to steal.  He comes to kill. He comes to destroy. And he will use whatever means necessary to accomplish his tasks.  Satan uses grief, worry, anger, frustration, doubt, jealously, bitterness, and fear as tools at his disposal.  He uses our emotions against us.  He uses the burdens in our lives to tear us down and then he will strike.  He comes to steal our joy, to kill our faith and to destroy our lives.  I have dealt with this firsthand numerous times in my life.  Worry has always been my biggest downfall.  Satan knows that and he uses it time and time again to sneak his way in, just as a thief would.

To protect our homes, our families, our possessions, we take precautions and put up safeguards against intruders and thieves in the night. We install security systems, we keep firearms, we purchase safes.  All so that we may feel secure in our homes.

How do we protect our hearts?  

We turn to The Good Shepherd.  He has come so that we may have life, and have it abundantly.

John 10:11 KJV

I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.

John 10:27-28 KJV

27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:

28 And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.

It has taken many years and many trials and tribulations, through which Satan has done his everlovin' best to steal my joy, kill my faith, and destroy my life, for me to learn to turn to Christ with my worry and my doubt and my fear.  I still stumble and it is not always easy but when I turn to Him, He is my Peace, my Solace, my Comfort.  Through Him I have eternal life and nothing here on this earth can pluck me out of His hand.  I am safe and secure.

We must safeguard and protect our hearts and our faith against Satan just as we would our homes and families against intruders.  The only way to do this is to turn to Christ before the intruder strikes.  Accepting Christ as our Savior does not mean that we will never face hardships, but it does mean that we will have Comfort in the times of trouble.